Humorous Quotes - Page 36

• The jewel in the baby product crown is the stroller. And if in America you are what you drive, then in Parentland, you are what you push.

  Paul Reiser

  Funny, Baby, Children

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• She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Inspiration

  "Fictional character: Dr. Hackenbush". "A Day at the Races", www.imdb.com. 1937.

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• Technically, I am unarmed. But no one should ever underestimate the harm that fingernails can do. Especially if the target is unprepared.

  Suzanne Collins

  Catching Fire, Target, Underestimate

  Suzanne Collins (2010). “Catching Fire (The Second Book of the Hunger Games)”, p.387, Scholastic Inc.

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• When you lead a life of scholarship you can't be bothered with the humorous realities, you know, tits, that kind of thing.

  Harold Pinter

  Reality, Kind, Scholarship

  Harold Pinter (2015). “Death etc.”, p.66, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

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• The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Baby, Children

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.194, Penguin

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• I don't do what I'm told, but I might do what you want if you ask me nicely.

  Cassandra Clare

  Want, Might, Obedience

  Cassandra Clare (2010). “Cassandra Clare: The Mortal Instrument Series (3 books): City of Bones; City of Ashes; City of Glass”, p.741, Simon and Schuster

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• I wasn't really that informed about the two-year-old. Oh, I'd read about them, and occasionally I'd see documentaries on the Discovery Channel showing two-year-olds in the wild, where they belong.

  Ray Romano

  Funny, Baby, Children

  Ray Romano (1999). “Everything and a Kite”

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• Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform.

  Ray Romano

  Funny, Baby, Children

  Ray Romano (1999). “Everything and a Kite”, Bantam

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• With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Clothes

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• Parents, just keep in mind that kids will always round off to the nearest obscenity.

  Ray Romano

  Funny, Baby, Children

  Ray Romano (1999). “Everything and a Kite”, Bantam

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• I cannot see how a man of any large degree of humorous perception can ever be religious -- unless he purposely shut the eyes of his mind & keep them shut by force.

  Mark Twain

  Religious, Eye, Men

  Mark Twain (2012). “Adventures of Tom Sawyer Companion”, p.41, BookCaps Study Guides

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• Before Kady was born, I didn't think having a kid would be such a big deal. My attitude was simple: Babies are nice, play with them, put them in the closet until the next time.

  Tim Allen

  Funny, Baby, Children

  Tim Allen (1996). “I'm Not Really Here”, Hyperion

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• O Music! Miraculous art! A blast of thy trumpet and millions rush forward to die; a peal of thy organ and uncounted nations sink down to pray.

  Benjamin Disraeli

  Funny, Music, Art

  Benjamin Disraeli (1833). “Vivian Grey”, p.197

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• I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Music, Hate

  Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Does Japan”, p.117, Ballantine Books

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• Every kind of music is good, except the boring kind.

  Gioachino Rossini

  Inspirational, Funny, Music

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• There are two kinds of music; German music and bad music.

  H. L. Mencken

  Funny, Music, Two

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• Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

  Groucho Marx

  Love, Funny, Witty

  Monkey Business (motion picture) (1931). Screenplay by Will B. Johnstone and S. J. Perelman.

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• Music hath the charm to soothe a savage beast, but I'd try a revolver first.

  Josh Billings

  Funny, Music, Trying

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• I have no idea what I am doing but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm.

  Woody Allen

  Witty, Ideas, Enthusiasm

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• Of all noises, I think music is the least disagreeable.

  Samuel Johnson

  Music, Thinking, Noise

  Quoted in The Morning Chronicle, 1816.

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• Thery're both iron, isn't that funny?" "Funny haha or funny strange?" James handed them back to me "Funny 'occult'" "Ah. Funny strange" James looked at me sternly, "Don't start that. I'm supposed to be the humorous one

  Maggie Stiefvater

  Iron, Haha, Strange

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• This story is not and never was meant to challenge anyone's faith; however, if one's faith can be shaken by stories in a humorous novel, one may have a bit more praying to do.

  Christopher Moore

  Challenges, Stories, May

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• Character is what you are in the dark.

  Dwight L. Moody

  Inspiring, Inspirational Life, Character

  Attributed in "D.L. Moody" by William R. Moody, (p. 503), 1930.

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• You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Soup

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• The conductor is a peculiar person. He turns his back on his friends in the audience, shakes a stick at his players in the orchestra, and then wonders why nobody loves him.

  Victor Borge

  Funny, Music, Player

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