Humorous Quotes - Page 40

• My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there.

  Ron Richards

  Funny, Giving, Advice

  45 Copy quote

• I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter.

  Drew Carey

  Funny, Mom, Father

  16 Copy quote

• The best song lyrics seem to me so artful, so brilliant, so warm and humorous, with both passion and wit, that my admiration is matched only by my envy.

  David Lehman

  Song, Passion, Envy

  6 Copy quote

• There is a vast difference between the savage and the civilized man, but it is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.

  Helen Rowland

  Marriage, Food, Men

  Helen Rowland (2017). “A Guide to Men: Being Encore Reflections of a Bachelor Girl”, p.22, Litres

  8 Copy quote

  Show source

• We don't know when our name came into being or how some distant ancestor acquired it. We don't understand our name at all, we don't know its history and yet we bear it with exalted fidelity, we merge with it, we like it, we are ridiculously proud of it as if we had thought it up ourselves in a moment of brilliant inspiration.

  Milan Kundera

  Funny, Inspiration, Names

  15 Copy quote

• Jaw-jaw is better than war-war.

  Harold MacMillan

  Peace, War, Ubuntu

  "Jaw-jaw is better than war-war" by Richard Norton-Taylor, www.theguardian.com. September 10, 2015.

  16 Copy quote

  Show source

• I wanted to do an hour-long show, and I wanted to something that was dramatic and sometimes funny and humorous, as well. I'm just delighted to have this opportunity to be a part of this project.

  Ron Glass

  Opportunity, Long, Sometimes

  7 Copy quote

• The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.

  Bill Murray

  Army, Feet, Leader

  4 Copy quote

• The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.

  Jay Leno

  Inspirational, Funny, New York

  11 Copy quote

• You know the one thing that's wrong with this country? Everyone gets a chance to have their fair say.

  William J. Clinton

  Funny, Country, Stupid

  4 Copy quote

• I'm sure I spent more time in Texas than anybody else who had run for President recently.

  William J. Clinton

  Running, Stupid, Texas

  Clinton, William J. (1997). “Public Papers of the Presidents of the United States: William J. Clinton, 1995”, p.1690, Best Books on

  4 Copy quote

  Show source

• The last time I checked, the Constitution said, 'of the people, by the people and for the people.' That's what the Declaration of Independence says.

  William J. Clinton

  Stupid, People, Independence

  William J. "Bill" Clinton's campaign speech in California, quoted in Investor's Business Daily, October 25, 1996.

  4 Copy quote

  Show source

• If a President of the United States ever lied to the American people, he should resign.

  William J. Clinton

  Stupid, People, President

  "IMPEACHMENT; The Debate on Articles of Impeachment Against President Clinton". www.nytimes.com. December 19, 1998.

  4 Copy quote

  Show source

• If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Inspiration, Want

  Groucho Marx (2000). “The Essential Groucho: Writings By, For, and about Groucho Marx”, Vintage

  18 Copy quote

  Show source

• Zeus Is Dead is full of laugh-out-loud moments, lashings of sly wit, moan-worthy puns, and a complex, fast-paced storyline. There aren't very many humorous fantasy murder mysteries out there, especially not as intricately constructed as this one. Michael G. Munz takes a 'What if,' and runs with it like a toddler with Mom's smart phone. The guffaw-worthy throwaway bits will remind you of Douglas Adams. A very enjoyable read.

  Jody Lynn Nye

  Mom, Running, Smart

  7 Copy quote

• On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't, he said: Do you mind if I mug you here?

  Paul Merton

  New York, Central Park, New Day

  71 Copy quote

• He gave me a copy of The Declaration of Independence, then he got a tattoo that says Give Me Liberty Or Give Me Death. I think my boyfriend wants his freedom.

  Randy Glasbergen

  Tattoo, Thinking, Giving

  7 Copy quote

• God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.

  Alfred Jarry

  God, Zero, Religion

  Alfred Jarry, Roger Shattuck, Simon Watson Taylor (1965). “Selected works: Edited by Roger Shattuck and Simon Watson Taylor”

  58 Copy quote

  Show source

• A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.

  Orlando Aloysius Battista

  Funny, Dog, People

  27 Copy quote

• Newfoundland dogs are good to save children from drowning, but you must have a pond of water handy and a child, or else there will be no profit in boarding a Newfoundland.

  Josh Billings

  Funny, Dog, Children

  7 Copy quote

• Dogs are getting bigger, according to a leading dog manufacturer.

  Leo Rosten

  Funny, Dog, Animal Rights

  Leo Calvin Rosten (1972). “Rome wasn't burned in a day: the mischief of language”

  6 Copy quote

  Show source

• If it's free, it's advice; if you pay for it, it's counseling; if you can use either one, it's a miracle.

  Jack Adams

  Funny, Miracle, Advice

  7 Copy quote

• Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.

  Kathy Lette

  Relationship, Birthday, Intelligent

  Kathy Lette (2010). “Men: A User's Guide”, p.1, Random House

  18 Copy quote

  Show source

• I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger.

  Gloria Steinem

  Girlfriend, Henry Kissinger, Has Beens

  4 Copy quote

• He was of the faith chiefly in the sense that the church he currently did not attend was Catholic.

  Kingsley Amis

  Funny, Faith, Catholic

  One Fat Englishman (1963) ch. 8

  10 Copy quote

  Show source