Humorous Quotes - Page 33

• It don't make much difference what you study, so long as you don't like it.

  Finley Peter Dunne

  Education, Work, Learning

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• Canada is a country whose main exports are hockey players and cold fronts. Our main imports are baseball players and acid rain.

  Pierre Trudeau

  Baseball, Country, Rain

  57 Copy quote

• Big egos are big shields for lots of empty space.

  Diane Black

  Humility, Space, Profound

  69 Copy quote

• I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell

  Garry Shandling

  Good Life, Mad, House

  49 Copy quote

• Whatever the occasion, do not neglect alcohol. No other refreshment will do. Yes, alcohol kills brain cells, but it's very selective. It only kills the brain cells that contain good sense, shame, embarrassment, and restraint.

  P. J. O'Rourke

  Funny, Drinking, Wine

  P.J. O'Rourke (2015). “Thrown Under the Omnibus”, p.42, Atlantic Books Ltd

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• There is no such thing as bad whiskey. Some whiskeys just happen to be better than others. But a man shouldn't fool with booze until he's fifty; then he's a damn fool if he doesn't.

  William Faulkner

  Funny, Drinking, Wine

  In James M. Webb and A. Wigfall Green William Faulkner of Oxford (1965) p. 110

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• Don't you drink? I notice you speak slightingly of the bottle. I have drunk since I was fifteen and few things have given me more pleasure.

  Ernest Hemingway

  Funny, Drinking, Wine

  Ernest Hemingway, Carlos Baker (2003). “Ernest Hemingway Selected Letters 1917-1961”, p.420, Simon and Schuster

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• In my experience, you run into trouble when you ask a group of beer-drinking men to perform any task more complex than remembering not to light the filter ends of cigarettes.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Running, Drinking

  Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.86, Ballantine Books

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• After the war, Prohibition was passed, and with liquor no longer legally available the nation plunged headlong into the Great Depression.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, War, Drinking

  Dave Barry (2011). “Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway”, p.73, Ballantine Books

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• All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.

  Dave Barry

  Drinking, Beer, Rays

  Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.18, Ballantine Books

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• The house was as empty as a beer closet in premises where painters have been at work.

  Mark Twain

  Beer, House, Empty

  Mark Twain (2013). “Delphi Complete Works of Mark Twain (Illustrated)”, p.3472, Delphi Classics

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• They didn't trademark everything back then. Now someone farts and they put a TM after it. Even Miller Lite says 'A Fine Pilsner Beer' on the label. It is a crime.

  Michael Jackson

  Beer, Labels, Fart

  14 Copy quote

• I drink with impunity...or anyone else who invites me.

  W. C. Fields

  Beer, Drink, Brewing

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• A dollar won is twice as sweet as a dollar earned.

  Paul Newman

  Sweet, Money, Gambling

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• One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'.

  George Carlin

  Hands, Two, Giving

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out.

  George Carlin

  Song, Eye, Sky

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.

  George Carlin

  Men, Caliber, Cannonballs

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.

  George Carlin

  Book, Twelve, Dollars

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• They mention that it's a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don't care for that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport.

  George Carlin

  Food, Airports, Care

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.

  George Carlin

  Thinking, Ideas, Looks

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• And this should go without saying. That's why I'm going to say it: Drinking and driving don't mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility is still good.

  George Carlin

  Morning, Drinking, Way

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• I hope we're not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so.

  George Carlin

  Thinking, Garbage, Bigs

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?

  George Carlin

  Climbing, Doe, Sides

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.

  George Carlin

  Believe, Belief, Come Up

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction, If you live on this planet you're guilty, period, f*** you, next case, end of report. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.

  George Carlin

  Tired, Guilt, Fiction

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