Humorous Quotes - Page 33

• If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking.

  Lyndon B. Johnson

  Patriotic, Men, Thinking

  26 Copy quote

• I decided to stop drinking with creeps. I decided to drink only with friends. I've lost 30 pounds.

  Ernest Hemingway

  Drinking, Beer, Pounds

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• The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.

  Woody Allen

  Witty, Liberty, Lasts

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• If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  184 Copy quote

• In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Eye, Paris

  Mark Twain (2008). “The Innocents Abroad”, p.645, Velvet Element Books

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• Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

  David Letterman

  Funny, War, Book

  "Only Joking: What's So Funny about Making People Laugh?". Book by Jimmy Carr and Lucy Greeves, 2006.

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• The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Christian, Sarcastic

  5 Copy quote

• Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  79 Copy quote

• He hadn’t a single redeeming vice.

  Oscar Wilde

  Vices, Redeeming

  4 Copy quote

• People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  54 Copy quote

• Big egos are big shields for lots of empty space.

  Diane Black

  Humility, Space, Profound

  69 Copy quote

• Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.

  Woody Allen

  Witty, Heart, Ozone

  "Mighty Aphrodite". www.imdb.com. 1995.

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• Whatever the occasion, do not neglect alcohol. No other refreshment will do. Yes, alcohol kills brain cells, but it's very selective. It only kills the brain cells that contain good sense, shame, embarrassment, and restraint.

  P. J. O'Rourke

  Funny, Drinking, Wine

  P.J. O'Rourke (2015). “Thrown Under the Omnibus”, p.42, Atlantic Books Ltd

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• But it is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, which, by often rumination, wraps me in the most humorous sadness.

  William Shakespeare

  Sadness, Rumination, Melancholy

  William Shakespeare (2001). “As You Like It”, p.211, Classic Books Company

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• There is no such thing as bad whiskey. Some whiskeys just happen to be better than others. But a man shouldn't fool with booze until he's fifty; then he's a damn fool if he doesn't.

  William Faulkner

  Funny, Drinking, Wine

  In James M. Webb and A. Wigfall Green William Faulkner of Oxford (1965) p. 110

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• Don't you drink? I notice you speak slightingly of the bottle. I have drunk since I was fifteen and few things have given me more pleasure.

  Ernest Hemingway

  Funny, Drinking, Wine

  Ernest Hemingway, Carlos Baker (2003). “Ernest Hemingway Selected Letters 1917-1961”, p.420, Simon and Schuster

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• After the war, Prohibition was passed, and with liquor no longer legally available the nation plunged headlong into the Great Depression.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, War, Drinking

  Dave Barry (2011). “Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway”, p.73, Ballantine Books

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• All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.

  Dave Barry

  Drinking, Beer, Rays

  Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.18, Ballantine Books

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• This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, Doc, my brother’s crazy. He thinks he’s a chicken. The doctor says, Well, why don’t you turn him in? And the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. Well I guess that’s pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know they’re totally irrational and crazy and absurd but I guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs.

  Woody Allen

  Witty, Brother, Crazy

  7 Copy quote

• The wicked at heart probably know something.

  Woody Allen

  Witty, Heart, Wicked

  Woody Allen (2007). “The Insanity Defense: The Complete Prose”, Random House Incorporated

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• The heart wants what it wants.

  Woody Allen

  Witty, Inspirational Love, Heart

  Quoted in USA Today, 24 Aug. 1992 See Pascal 14

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• I drink with impunity...or anyone else who invites me.

  W. C. Fields

  Beer, Drink, Brewing

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• A dollar won is twice as sweet as a dollar earned.

  Paul Newman

  Sweet, Money, Gambling

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• The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract-- Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Party

  Groucho Marx (2000). “The Essential Groucho: Writings By, For, and about Groucho Marx”, Vintage

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• If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Wisdom, Witty

  11 Copy quote