Humorous Quotes - Page 29

• Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out.

  George Carlin

  Song, Eye, Sky

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• I never tell one client that I cannot attend his sales convention because I have a previous engagement with another client; successful polygamy depends upon pretending to each spouse that she is the only pebble on your beach.

  David Ogilvy

  Beach, Successful, Engagement

  David Ogilvy (1963). “Confessions of an advertising man”, Holiday House

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• When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.

  George Carlin

  Men, Caliber, Cannonballs

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.

  George Carlin

  Book, Twelve, Dollars

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• Some jobs are worse than actual wives. Ad agency vs. Matrimony, for instance: Even the most capricious and demanding spouse is not going to divorce you for refusing to spend forty hours a week making up lies about toilet paper.

  P. J. O'Rourke

  Jobs, Lying, Divorce

  P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “The Bachelor Home Companion: A Practical Guide to Keeping House Like a Pig”, p.42, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

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• And this should go without saying. That's why I'm going to say it: Drinking and driving don't mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility is still good.

  George Carlin

  Morning, Drinking, Way

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• I hope we're not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so.

  George Carlin

  Thinking, Garbage, Bigs

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?

  George Carlin

  Climbing, Doe, Sides

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• Advertising is like learning - a little is a dangerous thing.

  P. T. Barnum

  Littles, Advertising, Copywriting

  P. T. Barnum (2015). “The Art of Money Getting, or Golden Rules for Making Money”, p.45, Booklassic

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• Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His kids.

  Bill Cosby

  Funny, God, Baby

  Bill Cosby (2002). “Bill Cosby on Fatherhood”, p.38, Peter Pauper Press, Inc.

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• My point here, young couples, is that baby-having is extremely serious business, and you probably don't have the vaguest idea what you're doing, as is evidenced by the fact that you're reading a very sloppy and poorly researched book.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Baby, Couple

  Dave Barry (1984). “Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have Around the Home”, p.2, Rodale

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• As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.

  George Carlin

  Believe, Belief, Come Up

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction, If you live on this planet you're guilty, period, f*** you, next case, end of report. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.

  George Carlin

  Tired, Guilt, Fiction

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• My brain? It's my second favorite organ!

  Woody Allen

  Witty, Brain, Organs

  "Fictional character: Miles Monroe". "Sleeper", www.imdb.com. 1973.

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• I was always treated as if I had insisted on being born, in opposition to the dictates of reason, religion, and morality, and against the dissuadinig arguments of my best friends.

  Charles Dickens

  Funny, Expectations, My Best Friend

  1860-1 Pip. Great Expectations, ch.4.

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• An art thief is a man who takes pictures.

  George Carlin

  Art, Men, Thieves

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Liars

  Groucho Marx (2009). “Groucho And Me”, p.28, Da Capo Press

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• We're not supposed to mention f***ing in mixed company, but that's exactly where it takes place.

  George Carlin

  Company

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• Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff?

  George Carlin

  People, Stuff, Bother

  George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.337, Hachette UK

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• It is our American habit if we find the foundations of our educational structure unsatisfactory to add another story or wing.

  Albert Einstein

  Education, Learning, Wings

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• A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

  Laozi

  Love, Witty, Learning

  "Analects of Confucius". 475–221 BC.

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• I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

  Woody Allen

  Witty, Ugly, Succeed

  "Play It Again, Sam". www.imdb.com. 1972.

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• In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems are breaking down, and I thought, What a wonderful thing; perhaps I can make some small contribution to this process, myself.

  George Carlin

  School, Firsts, Down And

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Hero

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• I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away?

  George Carlin

  Giving, Selling, Should

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