Humorous Quotes - Page 30

• I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out.

  George Carlin

  Ideas, Rope, Strings

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• It is our American habit if we find the foundations of our educational structure unsatisfactory to add another story or wing.

  Albert Einstein

  Education, Learning, Wings

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• I don't know what effect these men will have upon the enemy, but by God, they frighten me.

  Duke of Wellington

  Military, War, Army

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• I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

  Woody Allen

  Witty, Ugly, Succeed

  "Play It Again, Sam". www.imdb.com. 1972.

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• To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope.

  George Carlin

  Fast Food, Cheetahs, Antelopes

  George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.462, Hachette UK

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• I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Hero

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• If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found.

  George Carlin

  Mind, Honest, Lost

  George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.464, Hachette UK

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• As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path.

  George Carlin

  Rivers, Swim, Path

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• You know why we're good at it? Because we get a lot of practice. This country is only 200 years old, and already we've had ten major wars. We average a major war every twenty years. So we're good at it!

  George Carlin

  Country, War, Average

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• McDonald's breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery.

  George Carlin

  Mcdonalds, Dollars, Cost

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• Professional soldiers are people who die for a living.

  George Carlin

  People, Soldier, Dies

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• Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to pare compare clothing.

  George Carlin

  Song, Simple, Miracle

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym.

  Woody Allen

  Witty, Annie Hall, Teach

  Woody Allen, Marshall Brickman (2000). “Annie Hall: scénario bilingue”

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• The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls around God is completely f***in' worn out.

  George Carlin

  Friday, Christian, Monday

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• Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!"

  George Carlin

  Realizing, Incidents, Said

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Music, Glasses

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• Facts are the enemy of truth.

  Miguel de Cervantes

  Witty, Inspiration, Enemy

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• I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Mother

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• Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know.

  Eoin Colfer

  Confidence, Cocky, Ignorance

  Eoin Colfer (2001). “Artemis Fowl”

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• Any one who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

  John von Neumann

  Witty, Powerful, Science

  "Various techniques used in connection with random digits" by John von Neumann in "Monte Carlo Method" edited by A.S. Householder, G.E. Forsythe and H.H. Germond, 1951.

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• When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.

  George Carlin

  Average, Looks, Realizing

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• My dad is a very quick-witted, sarcastic, dry, humorous guy, whereas my mom's very silly, and that side of the family is very musical.

  Tim Heidecker

  Mom, Sarcastic, Dad

  "Tim & Eric". Interview with Josh Modell, www.avclub.com. November 13, 2007.

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• Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!

  Woody Allen

  Witty, Honey, Copies

  "Fictional character: Bob". "Everyone Says I Love You", 1996.

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• You can always reason with a German. You can always reason with a barnyard animal, too, for all the good it does.

  P. J. O'Rourke

  Sarcastic, Animal, Doe

  P.J. O'Rourke (2012). “Holidays in Hell”, p.165, Atlantic Books Ltd

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• There are no grades of vanity; there are only grades of ability in concealing it.

  Mark Twain

  Vanity, Grades, Ability

  Mark Twain, Caroline Thomas Harnsberger (2009). “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations”, p.494, Courier Corporation

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