Humorous Quotes - Page 30

• When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.

  Dave Barry

  Fun, Home, Beer

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• Beer does not make itself properly by itself. It takes an element of mystery and of things that no one can understand.

  Fritz Maytag

  Beer, Doe, Elements

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• Smoking is indispensable if one has nothing to kiss.

  Sigmund Freud

  Funny, Kissing, Smoking

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• Close friends and relatives, while not meaning to do so, often handicap on through 'opinions' and sometimes though ridicule, which is meant to be humorous. Thousands of men and women carry inferiority complexes with them all through life, because some well-meaning, but ignorant person destroyed their confidence through opinions or ridicule

  Napoleon Hill

  Positive Thinking, Men, Ignorant

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• As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

  George Carlin

  Stupid, Hero, Tunnels

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• 

  In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

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• I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

  George Carlin

  Stupid, Fall, People

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• Political correctness is tyranny with manners.

  Charlton Heston

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  "Appreciation: Charlton Heston" by Richard Corliss, content.time.com. April 6, 2008.

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• I don't believe in an afterlife, so I don't have to spend my whole life fearing hell, or fearing heaven even more. For whatever the tortures of hell, I think the boredom of heaven would be even worse.

  Isaac Asimov

  Life, Atheist, Believe

  "Philosophy on the Go". Book by Joey Green, p. 222, 2007.

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• Ann Taylor - great name, great real estate, shitty business. Gap -great name, great real estate, declining business. J.Crew - Hellooo? Great name, better fashion image than the Gap.

  Millard Drexler

  Fashion, Real, Names

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• I don't know what effect these men will have upon the enemy, but by God, they frighten me.

  Duke of Wellington

  Military, War, Army

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• Many a man wishes he were strong enough to tear a telephone book in half - especially if he has a teenage daughter.

  Guy Lombardo

  Daughter, Fathers Day, Strong

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• An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault.

  William Castle

  Funny, Fashion, Laughter

  56 Copy quote

• Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.

  Jim Backus

  Marriage, Drinking, Successful

  "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

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• A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

  Adi Da

  Funny, Money, Needs

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• The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, Iraq, Way

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• It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Library, Strange

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• I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Girl, Fall

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• A baby is an inestimable blessing and bother.

  Mark Twain

  Life, Motivational, Baby

  Mark Twain (2015). “Bite-Size Twain: Wit and Wisdom from the Literary Legend”, p.41, St. Martin's Press

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• War hath no fury like a non-combatant.

  Charles Edward Montague

  Military, War, Liberty

  Disenchantment (1922) ch. 16

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• This book fills a much-needed gap.

  Moses Hadas

  Witty, Book, Writing

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• Grove giveth and Gates taketh away.

  Robert Metcalfe

  Funny, Witty, Technology

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• There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

  Tony Hoare

  Witty, Simple, Engineering

  "The Emperor's Old Clothes". Communications of the ACM 24 (2), (pp. 75-83), February 1981.

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• Hemingway was a jerk.

  Harold Robbins

  Witty, Powerful, Writing

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

  Flannery O'Connor

  Funny, Witty, Teacher

  Mystery and Manners: Occasional Prose "The Nature and Aims of Fiction" (1969)

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