Humorous Quotes - Page 25

• We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  22 Copy quote

• Don't interrupt me while I'm interrupting.

  Winston Churchill

  Interrupting

  Winston Churchill (1987). “The Irrepressible Churchill: Stories, Sayings and Impressions of Sir Winston Churchill”, London : Robson Books

  32 Copy quote

  Show source

• The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.

  Woody Allen

  Witty, Liberty, Lasts

  12 Copy quote

• If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  183 Copy quote

• In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Eye, Paris

  Mark Twain (2008). “The Innocents Abroad”, p.645, Velvet Element Books

  35 Copy quote

  Show source

• Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

  David Letterman

  Funny, War, Book

  "Only Joking: What's So Funny about Making People Laugh?". Book by Jimmy Carr and Lucy Greeves, 2006.

  55 Copy quote

  Show source

• The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Christian, Sarcastic

  5 Copy quote

• Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  78 Copy quote

• He hadn’t a single redeeming vice.

  Oscar Wilde

  Vices, Redeeming

  4 Copy quote

• People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  54 Copy quote

• Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.

  Woody Allen

  Witty, Heart, Ozone

  "Mighty Aphrodite". www.imdb.com. 1995.

  7 Copy quote

  Show source

• But it is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, which, by often rumination, wraps me in the most humorous sadness.

  William Shakespeare

  Sadness, Rumination, Melancholy

  William Shakespeare (2001). “As You Like It”, p.211, Classic Books Company

  82 Copy quote

  Show source

• This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, Doc, my brother’s crazy. He thinks he’s a chicken. The doctor says, Well, why don’t you turn him in? And the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. Well I guess that’s pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know they’re totally irrational and crazy and absurd but I guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs.

  Woody Allen

  Witty, Brother, Crazy

  7 Copy quote

• The wicked at heart probably know something.

  Woody Allen

  Witty, Heart, Wicked

  Woody Allen (2007). “The Insanity Defense: The Complete Prose”, Random House Incorporated

  15 Copy quote

  Show source

• The heart wants what it wants.

  Woody Allen

  Witty, Inspirational Love, Heart

  Quoted in USA Today, 24 Aug. 1992 See Pascal 14

  6 Copy quote

  Show source

• The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract-- Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Party

  Groucho Marx (2000). “The Essential Groucho: Writings By, For, and about Groucho Marx”, Vintage

  5 Copy quote

  Show source

• If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Wisdom, Witty

  9 Copy quote

• Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Land

  8 Copy quote

• How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

  George Carlin

  Funny, God, Sarcastic

  10 Copy quote

• Every now and then I like to do as I'm told, just to confuse people.

  Tamora Pierce

  People, Now And Then, Obedience

  Tamora Pierce (2010). “Melting Stones”, p.146, Scholastic Inc.

  5 Copy quote

  Show source

• I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

  George Burns

  Funny, Kids, Age

  26 Copy quote

• Any place I hang my head is home.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Home

  9 Copy quote

• I have neither the scholar's melancholy, which is emulation; nor the musician's, which is fantastical; nor the courtier's, which is proud; not the soldier's which is ambitious; nor the lawyer's, which is politic; nor the lady's, which is nice; nor the lover's, which is all these: but it is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, which, by often rumination, wraps me in a most humorous sadness.

  William Shakespeare

  Nice, Sadness, Soldier

  William Shakespeare (2012). “Comedies of Shakespeare in Plain and Simple English (a Modern Translation and the Original Version)”, p.747, BookCaps Study Guides

  20 Copy quote

  Show source

• Also, I'm sleeping with your mom. Just thought you should know.

  Cassandra Clare

  Mom, Sleep, Should

  18 Copy quote

• And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Might

  10 Copy quote