Humorous Quotes - Page 25

• In my experience, you run into trouble when you ask a group of beer-drinking men to perform any task more complex than remembering not to light the filter ends of cigarettes.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Running, Drinking

  Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.86, Ballantine Books

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• Don't you drink? I notice you speak slightingly of the bottle. I have drunk since I was fifteen and few things have given me more pleasure.

  Ernest Hemingway

  Funny, Drinking, Wine

  Ernest Hemingway, Carlos Baker (2003). “Ernest Hemingway Selected Letters 1917-1961”, p.420, Simon and Schuster

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• I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell

  Garry Shandling

  Good Life, Mad, House

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• Whatever the occasion, do not neglect alcohol. No other refreshment will do. Yes, alcohol kills brain cells, but it's very selective. It only kills the brain cells that contain good sense, shame, embarrassment, and restraint.

  P. J. O'Rourke

  Funny, Drinking, Wine

  P.J. O'Rourke (2015). “Thrown Under the Omnibus”, p.42, Atlantic Books Ltd

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• Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It's the only way we can get to shake a bat at a white man without starting a riot.

  Dick Gregory

  Baseball, Men, White Man

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• After the war, Prohibition was passed, and with liquor no longer legally available the nation plunged headlong into the Great Depression.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, War, Drinking

  Dave Barry (2011). “Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway”, p.73, Ballantine Books

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• There is no such thing as bad whiskey. Some whiskeys just happen to be better than others. But a man shouldn't fool with booze until he's fifty; then he's a damn fool if he doesn't.

  William Faulkner

  Funny, Drinking, Wine

  In James M. Webb and A. Wigfall Green William Faulkner of Oxford (1965) p. 110

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• A gentleman need not know Latin, but he should at least have forgotten it.

  Brander Matthews

  Education, Latin, Learning

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• They didn't trademark everything back then. Now someone farts and they put a TM after it. Even Miller Lite says 'A Fine Pilsner Beer' on the label. It is a crime.

  Michael Jackson

  Beer, Labels, Fart

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• The concerts you enjoy together/ Neighbors you annoy together/ Children you destroy together,/ That keep marriage in tact.

  Stephen Sondheim

  Marriage, Children, Together

  "The Little Things You Do Together" (song) (1970)

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• All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.

  Dave Barry

  Drinking, Beer, Rays

  Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.18, Ballantine Books

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• The house was as empty as a beer closet in premises where painters have been at work.

  Mark Twain

  Beer, House, Empty

  Mark Twain (2013). “Delphi Complete Works of Mark Twain (Illustrated)”, p.3472, Delphi Classics

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• I suppose we all have our recollections of our earlier holidays, all bristling with horror.

  Flann O'Brien

  Holiday, Horror, Recollection

  Flann O'Brien (1985). “Myles away from Dublin: being a selection from the column written for The Nationalist and Leinster times, Carlow, under the name of George Knowall”, Grafton

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• Big egos are big shields for lots of empty space.

  Diane Black

  Humility, Space, Profound

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• The persons hardest to convince that they're at the retirement age are children at bedtime.

  Shannon Fife

  Retirement, Children, Parenting

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• I drink with impunity...or anyone else who invites me.

  W. C. Fields

  Beer, Drink, Brewing

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• Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.

  A. Whitney Brown

  Funny, Military, School

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• I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'

  Bruce Baum

  Funny, Witty, Comedian

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• Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

  Carl Friedrich Gauss

  Funny, Witty, Powerful

  Attributed in "Men of Mathematics" by E. T. Bell, 1937.

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• You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax - tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

  Pearl Williams

  Funny, Get Well Soon, Home

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  Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

  Miles Kington

  Funny, Hilarious, Wise

  The Independent (UK), March 28, 2003.

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• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Hilarious, Way

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• History is written by the victors.

  Winston Churchill

  Inspirational, Winning, History

  Edmund Murray, Winston Churchill, Martin Gilbert (1995). “Proceedings of the International Churchill Societies 1992-1993”, Churchill Center

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• The humorous writer professes to awaken and direct your love, your pity, your kindness--your scorn for untruth, pretension, imposture....He takes upon himself to be the week-day preacher.

  Mark Twain

  Kindness, Love You, Pity

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• I'm so far gone that I'm telling the truth. It sounds like a foreign language.

  Richard Peck

  Sound, Gone, Language

  Richard Peck (1996). “Father Figure”, p.69, Penguin

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