Humorous Quotes - Page 23

• Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America's biggest export is now the Oscar.

  Billy Crystal

  Funny, America, Oscars

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• With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Marriage, Sex, Night

  Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.81, Zondervan

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• I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it.

  Clarence Darrow

  Hate, Food, Justice

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• Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont.

  Clarence Darrow

  Men, Vermont, Plymouth

  "Foundations of Democracy: A Series of Debates". Book by Thomas Vernor Smith and Robert Alphonso Taft, 1939.

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• I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

  Les Dawson

  Funny, Mother, Men

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• My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.

  Angie Dickinson

  Funny, Mother, Witty

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.

  Benjamin Disraeli

  Funny, Marriage, Witty

  Benjamin Disraeli (2016). “Delphi Complete Works of Benjamin Disraeli (Illustrated)”, p.5019, Delphi Classics

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• I observe the physician with the same diligence as the disease.

  John Donne

  Funny, Health, Doctors

  John Donne, Henry Alford (1839). “The works of John Donne: Dean of Saint Paul's, 1621-1631”, p.518

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• Canada is like an old cow. The West feeds it. Ontario and Quebec milk it. And you can well imagine what it's doing in the Maritimes.

  Tommy Douglas

  Inspirational, Ontario, Cows

  "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com. June 29, 1983.

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• Take motherhood: nobody ever thought of putting it on a moral pedestal until some brash feminists pointed out, about a century ago, that the pay is lousy and the career ladder nonexistent.

  Barbara Ehrenreich

  Mother, Careers, Feminist

  Ms., Oct. 1986

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• It was the experience of mystery - even if mixed with fear - that engendered religion.

  Albert Einstein

  Love, Inspirational, Life

  Albert Einstein (2011). “The World As I See It”, p.15, Open Road Media

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• I guess the more serious you play something, if the context is funny, then it will be funny and it doesn't really require you to be necessarily, explicitly humorous, or silly.

  Jesse Eisenberg

  Silly, Play, Serious

  "Jesse Eisenberg On Set Interview 30 MINUTES OR LESS". Group interview, collider.com. May 10, 2011.

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• Grant me some wild expressions, Heavens, or I shall burst.

  George Farquhar

  Funny, Expression, Heaven

  'The Constant Couple' (1699) act 5, sc. 3

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• Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

  Ian Fleming

  Witty, Destiny, Political

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• It isn't what they say about you, it's what they whisper.

  Errol Flynn

  Funny, Leadership, Wisdom

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• If you don't know what to do with many of the papers piled on your desk, stick a dozen colleagues initials on them and pass them along. When in doubt, route.

  Malcolm Forbes

  Office, Doubt, Paper

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• Hell is a half-filled auditorium.

  Robert Frost

  Inspirational, Music, Witty

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• A clever man commits no minor blunders.

  Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

  Inspirational, Inspiring, Witty

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• I love the protest signs protected by the First Amendment - some of them humorous, some of them passionate, some factual, some entirely incorrect - all of them free ideas.

  Jennifer Granholm

  Ideas, Passionate, Firsts

  "Occupy a Wing of the Democratic Party" by Jennifer M. Granholm, www.huffingtonpost.com. May 3, 2012.

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• Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.

  Cathy Guisewite

  Funny, Witty, Groups

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• There's one thing about baldness, it's neat.

  Don Herold

  Funny, Appearance, Baldness

  Don Herold (1926). “There ought to be a law--”

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• The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.

  Bob Hope

  Israel, Soup, Chickens

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• Young lawyers attend the courts, not because they have business there, but because they have no business.

  Washington Irving

  Funny, Business, Law

  Washington Irving (1824). “Salmagundi: or, the Whim-whams and opinions of Launcelot Langstaff, Esq., and others. vol. 1, 2. no. 1-20. 24 Jan. 1807-25 Jan. 1808”, p.212

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• I can see the humorous side of things and enjoy the fun when it comes; but look where I will, there seems to me always more sadness than joy in life.

  Jerome K. Jerome

  Sad, Fun, Joy

  Jerome K. Jerome (2015). “My Life and Times”, p.14, Read Books Ltd

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• You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it's humorous, all the attention to it, because it's hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that's happened to me.

  Steve Jobs

  Money, Insightful, Attention

  "Playboy Interview: Steve Jobs". Interview With David Sheff, reprints.longform.org. February 1985.

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