Humorous Quotes - Page 24

• Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll show you a man.

  Erica Jong

  Witty, Powerful, Women

  Erica Jong (2013). “Fear of Flying: 40th Anniversary Edition”, p.187, Open Road Media

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• I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

  John F. Kennedy

  Inspirational, Witty, Nice

  John F. Kennedy, Dominique Enright (2003). “The Wicked Wit of John F. Kennedy”, Michael O'Mara Books

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• You can only govern men by serving them. The rule is without exception.

  Victor Kiam

  Funny Thanksgiving, Men, Great Leader

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• If I traveled to the end of the rainbow as Dame Fortune did intend, Murphy would be there to tell me the pot's at the other end.

  Ed Koch

  America, Rainbow, Would Be

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• My brain? It's my second favorite organ!

  Woody Allen

  Witty, Brain, Organs

  "Fictional character: Miles Monroe". "Sleeper", www.imdb.com. 1973.

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• I was always treated as if I had insisted on being born, in opposition to the dictates of reason, religion, and morality, and against the dissuadinig arguments of my best friends.

  Charles Dickens

  Funny, Expectations, My Best Friend

  1860-1 Pip. Great Expectations, ch.4.

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• The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Liars

  Groucho Marx (2009). “Groucho And Me”, p.28, Da Capo Press

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• It is our American habit if we find the foundations of our educational structure unsatisfactory to add another story or wing.

  Albert Einstein

  Education, Learning, Wings

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• I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

  Woody Allen

  Witty, Ugly, Succeed

  "Play It Again, Sam". www.imdb.com. 1972.

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• I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Hero

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• Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym.

  Woody Allen

  Witty, Annie Hall, Teach

  Woody Allen, Marshall Brickman (2000). “Annie Hall: scénario bilingue”

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• Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Music, Glasses

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• Facts are the enemy of truth.

  Miguel de Cervantes

  Witty, Inspiration, Enemy

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• I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Mother

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• Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know.

  Eoin Colfer

  Confidence, Cocky, Ignorance

  Eoin Colfer (2001). “Artemis Fowl”

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• Any one who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

  John von Neumann

  Witty, Powerful, Science

  "Various techniques used in connection with random digits" by John von Neumann in "Monte Carlo Method" edited by A.S. Householder, G.E. Forsythe and H.H. Germond, 1951.

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• Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!

  Woody Allen

  Witty, Honey, Copies

  "Fictional character: Bob". "Everyone Says I Love You", 1996.

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• Whatever it is, I'm against it.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Inspiration

  Horse Feathers (motion picture) (1932). Screenplay by Will B. Johnstone, Bert Kalmar, S. J. Perelman, and Harry Ruby.

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• I can levitate birds. No one cares.

  Woody Allen

  Witty, Bird, Care

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• Deadlines just aren't real to me until I'm staring one in the face.

  Rick Riordan

  Real, Faces, Deadline

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• Common sense is the most widely shared commodity in the world, for every man is convinced that he is well supplied with it.

  Rene Descartes

  Men, Common Sense, Ironic

  Attributed to Rene Descartes in Ian Glynn "An Anatomy of Thought: The Origin and Machinery of the Mind" (p. 7), 2003.

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• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

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• Good women are no fun... The only good woman I can recall in history was Betsy Ross. And all she ever made was a flag.

  Mae West

  Sarcastic, Witty, Fun

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• Your self-esteem is a notch below Kafka.

  Woody Allen

  Witty, Self Esteem, Notches

  "Fictional character: Isaac". "Manhattan", 1979.

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• Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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