Humorous Quotes - Page 26

• Do you mind if I don't smoke?

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Smoking

  "Fictional character: Captain Jeffrey Spaulding". "Animal Crackers", www.imdb.com. 1930.

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• It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.

  Rick Riordan

  Life, Enjoy, Feels

  Rick Riordan (2009). “Percy Jackson and the Last Olympian”, p.37, Penguin UK

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• Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.

  Woody Allen

  Christian, Witty, Car

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• The ladies men admire, I've heard, Would shudder at a wicked word. Their candle gives a single light, They'd rather stay at home at night. They do not keep awake 'till three, Nor read erotic poetry. They never sanction the impure, Nor recognize an overture. They shrink from powders and from paints... So far I've had no complaints.

  Dorothy Parker

  Home, Night, Men

  Dorothy Parker (1936). “Not So Deep as a Well”, Macmillan Company of Canada

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• She dotes on poetry, sir. She adores it; I may say that her whole soul and mind are wound up, and entwined with it. She has produced some delightful pieces, herself, sir. You may have met with her 'Ode to an Expiring Frog,' sir.

  Charles Dickens

  Funny, Soul, Mind

  Charles Dickens (1838). “The Posthumous Papers of the Pickwick Club”, p.185

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• I've no time for broads who want to rule the world alone. Without men, who'd do up the zipper on the back of your dress?

  Mae West

  Sarcastic, Witty, Men

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• If you appeal to the crowd, either by being humorous or brutal or eccentric, you gain favor.

  Suzanne Collins

  Crowds, Favors, Eccentric

  Suzanne Collins (2009). “The Hunger Games”, p.111, Scholastic Inc.

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• I really can't think about kissing when I've got a rebellion to incite.

  Suzanne Collins

  Kissing, Thinking, Catching On

  Suzanne Collins (2010). “Catching Fire (The Second Book of the Hunger Games)”, p.126, Scholastic Inc.

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• Cultivate a sense of humour. From a humorous point of view this lunch is rather good.

  Jerome K. Jerome

  Views, Lunch, Sense Of Humor

  "They and I".

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• When you consider the opportunity and power He had to really do a job, and then look at the stupid, ugly little mess He made of it instead, His sheer incompetence is almost staggering.

  Joseph Heller

  Funny, God, Jobs

  Joseph Heller (1999). “Catch-22: A Novel”, p.172, Simon and Schuster

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• I can't even tell you what else I imagined. I can only humiliate myself to such a degree; at a certain point it becomes humorous, and this story is not meant to be humorous. This story is meant to winch your ribs open and tamper with your heart. This story is meant to make you realize that your chances of happiness in this world are terribly slim if you lack a fine imagination.

  Heidi Julavits

  Heart, Imagination, Degrees

  Heidi Julavits (2004). “The Effect of Living Backwards”, p.260, Penguin

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• No. Now, shut up and eat your pears.

  Suzanne Collins

  Shut Up, Pears

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• Hey, Rosalie? Do you know how to drown a blonde? Stick a mirror to the bottom of a pool.

  Stephenie Meyer

  Mirrors, Blonde, Hey

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• You nickednamed my daughter after the Loch Ness Monster?

  Stephenie Meyer

  Daughter, Monsters, Locks

  The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2, www.imdb.com. 2012.

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• She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Inspiration

  "Fictional character: Dr. Hackenbush". "A Day at the Races", www.imdb.com. 1937.

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• Technically, I am unarmed. But no one should ever underestimate the harm that fingernails can do. Especially if the target is unprepared.

  Suzanne Collins

  Catching Fire, Target, Underestimate

  Suzanne Collins (2010). “Catching Fire (The Second Book of the Hunger Games)”, p.387, Scholastic Inc.

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• When you lead a life of scholarship you can't be bothered with the humorous realities, you know, tits, that kind of thing.

  Harold Pinter

  Reality, Kind, Scholarship

  Harold Pinter (2015). “Death etc.”, p.66, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

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• I don't do what I'm told, but I might do what you want if you ask me nicely.

  Cassandra Clare

  Want, Might, Obedience

  Cassandra Clare (2010). “Cassandra Clare: The Mortal Instrument Series (3 books): City of Bones; City of Ashes; City of Glass”, p.741, Simon and Schuster

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• I cannot see how a man of any large degree of humorous perception can ever be religious -- unless he purposely shut the eyes of his mind & keep them shut by force.

  Mark Twain

  Religious, Eye, Men

  Mark Twain (2012). “Adventures of Tom Sawyer Companion”, p.41, BookCaps Study Guides

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• Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

  Groucho Marx

  Love, Funny, Witty

  Monkey Business (motion picture) (1931). Screenplay by Will B. Johnstone and S. J. Perelman.

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• I have no idea what I am doing but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm.

  Woody Allen

  Witty, Ideas, Enthusiasm

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• Thery're both iron, isn't that funny?" "Funny haha or funny strange?" James handed them back to me "Funny 'occult'" "Ah. Funny strange" James looked at me sternly, "Don't start that. I'm supposed to be the humorous one

  Maggie Stiefvater

  Iron, Haha, Strange

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• This story is not and never was meant to challenge anyone's faith; however, if one's faith can be shaken by stories in a humorous novel, one may have a bit more praying to do.

  Christopher Moore

  Challenges, Stories, May

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• Character is what you are in the dark.

  Dwight L. Moody

  Inspiring, Inspirational Life, Character

  Attributed in "D.L. Moody" by William R. Moody, (p. 503), 1930.

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• You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Soup

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