Humorous Quotes - Page 28

• Deadlines just aren't real to me until I'm staring one in the face.

  Rick Riordan

  Real, Faces, Deadline

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• A baby is an inestimable blessing and bother.

  Mark Twain

  Life, Motivational, Baby

  Mark Twain (2015). “Bite-Size Twain: Wit and Wisdom from the Literary Legend”, p.41, St. Martin's Press

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• Common sense is the most widely shared commodity in the world, for every man is convinced that he is well supplied with it.

  Rene Descartes

  Men, Common Sense, Ironic

  Attributed to Rene Descartes in Ian Glynn "An Anatomy of Thought: The Origin and Machinery of the Mind" (p. 7), 2003.

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• My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty.

  Erma Bombeck

  Funny, Baby, Children

  Erma Bombeck, Bil Keane (2011). “Just Wait Till You Have Children of Your Own!”, p.119, Fawcett

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• Facts are the enemy of truth.

  Miguel de Cervantes

  Witty, Inspiration, Enemy

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• I've always been intrigued with the variety of answers this generation will give their children who ask, "Where did I come from, Mommy?" They will range from "Number 176 vial in Buffalo, New York," to "You were defrosted."

  Erma Bombeck

  Funny, Baby, New York

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• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

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• War hath no fury like a non-combatant.

  Charles Edward Montague

  Military, War, Liberty

  Disenchantment (1922) ch. 16

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• I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

  George Carlin

  Stupid, Fall, People

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• For the first two years of a child's life, we spend every waking hour tryibg to get the child to communicate. Then we spend the rest of our lives trying to figure out how we can reverse the process.

  Erma Bombeck

  Funny, Baby, Children

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• Give an average baby a fair chance, and if it doesn't do something it oughtn't to a doctor should be called in at once.

  Jerome K. Jerome

  Funny, Baby, Children

  Jerome K. Jerome (2016). “The Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow”, p.92, Jerome K. Jerome

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• Hemingway was a jerk.

  Harold Robbins

  Witty, Powerful, Writing

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• Whatever the occasion, do not neglect alcohol. No other refreshment will do. Yes, alcohol kills brain cells, but it's very selective. It only kills the brain cells that contain good sense, shame, embarrassment, and restraint.

  P. J. O'Rourke

  Funny, Drinking, Wine

  P.J. O'Rourke (2015). “Thrown Under the Omnibus”, p.42, Atlantic Books Ltd

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• All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.

  Dave Barry

  Drinking, Beer, Rays

  Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.18, Ballantine Books

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• Any one who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

  John von Neumann

  Witty, Powerful, Science

  "Various techniques used in connection with random digits" by John von Neumann in "Monte Carlo Method" edited by A.S. Householder, G.E. Forsythe and H.H. Germond, 1951.

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• I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Hero

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• Nothing is more characteristically juvenile than contempt for juvenility. . . youth's characteristic chronological snobbery.

  C. S. Lewis

  Children, Parenting, Youth

  C. S. Lewis (1992). “An Experiment in Criticism”, p.73, Cambridge University Press

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• There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.

  Jack E. Leonard

  Funny, Life, Death

  "The Comedian: It's Not Easy Being Mean" by Amy Nicholson, www.mtv.com. February 1, 2017.

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• If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found.

  George Carlin

  Mind, Honest, Lost

  George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.464, Hachette UK

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• You know why we're good at it? Because we get a lot of practice. This country is only 200 years old, and already we've had ten major wars. We average a major war every twenty years. So we're good at it!

  George Carlin

  Country, War, Average

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• McDonald's breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery.

  George Carlin

  Mcdonalds, Dollars, Cost

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up

  Paul Keating

  Running, Witty, Clever

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• If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking.

  Lyndon B. Johnson

  Patriotic, Men, Thinking

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• Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!"

  George Carlin

  Realizing, Incidents, Said

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• We're wanted men, we'll strike again, but first let's have a beer.

  Jimmy Buffett

  Beer, Men, Firsts

  Song: The Great Filling Station Holdup

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