Humorous Quotes - Page 28

• The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Witty, Time

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• Ask the young. They know everything.

  Joseph Joubert

  Time, Children, Parenting

  "The Notebooks of Joseph Joubert". Book by Joseph Joubert, translated by Paul Auster, 2005.

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• A wise man sees as much as he ought, not as much as he can.

  Michel de Montaigne

  Inspirational, Wise, Wisdom

  Attributed to "Essais" by Michel de Montaigne, 1595.

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• People are your most valuable asset. Only people can be made to appreciate in value.

  Stephen Covey

  Inspirational, Motivational, People

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• How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

  Anais Nin

  Love, Inspirational, Dream

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• The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.

  Winston Churchill

  Life, Leadership, Motivation

  185 Copy quote

• Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man to fish, and you ruin a wonderful business opportunity.

  Karl Marx

  Motivational, Business, Opportunity

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• Success and failure are both difficult to endure. Along with success come drugs, divorce, fornication, bullying, travel, meditation, medication, depression, neurosis and suicide. With failure comes failure.

  Joseph Heller

  Funny, Success, Suicide

  1975 Interview in Playboy, Jun.

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• I am pushing sixty. That is enough exercise for me.

  Mark Twain

  Fitness, Health, Exercise

  Mark Twain (1972). “Everyone's Mark Twain”

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• Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.

  A. Whitney Brown

  Funny, Military, School

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• I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'

  Bruce Baum

  Funny, Witty, Comedian

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• Sometimes you're the windshield; sometimes you're the bug.

  Mark Knopfler

  Funny, Bugs, Sometimes

  Song: The Bug

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• Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

  Carl Friedrich Gauss

  Funny, Witty, Powerful

  Attributed in "Men of Mathematics" by E. T. Bell, 1937.

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• It's not your blue blood, your pedigree or your college degree. It's what you do with your life that counts.

  Millard Fuller

  Life, Graduation, Wrestling

  70 Copy quote

• You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax - tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

  Pearl Williams

  Funny, Get Well Soon, Home

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  Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

  Miles Kington

  Funny, Hilarious, Wise

  The Independent (UK), March 28, 2003.

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• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Hilarious, Way

  195 Copy quote

• By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.

  Charles Wadsworth

  Funny, Hilarious, Father

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• History is written by the victors.

  Winston Churchill

  Inspirational, Winning, History

  Edmund Murray, Winston Churchill, Martin Gilbert (1995). “Proceedings of the International Churchill Societies 1992-1993”, Churchill Center

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• The humorous writer professes to awaken and direct your love, your pity, your kindness--your scorn for untruth, pretension, imposture....He takes upon himself to be the week-day preacher.

  Mark Twain

  Kindness, Love You, Pity

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• Humor must be one of the chief attributes of God. Plants and animals that are distinctly humorous in form and characteristics are God's jokes.

  Mark Twain

  Animal, Plant, Characteristics

  Mark Twain (2012). “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations”, p.190, Courier Corporation

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• If you can't get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one.

  Mark Twain

  Self Esteem, Compliments You, Pay

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• True humor is fun - it does not put down, kid, or mock. It makes people feel wonderful, not separate, different, and cut off. True humor has beneath it the understanding that we are all in this together.

  Hugh Prather

  Fun, Kids, Cutting

  Hugh Prather (2009). “Notes to Myself: My Struggle to Become a Person”, p.114, Bantam

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• Even more exasperating than the guy who thinks he knows it all is the one who really does.

  Al Bernstein

  Knowledge, Thinking, Guy

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• When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.

  Helen Rowland

  Funny, Marriage, Girl

  Quoted in Evan Esar, The Dictionary of Humorous Quotations (1949)

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