Humorous Quotes - Page 31

• I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Mother

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• There is one catagory of advertising which is totally uncontrolled and flagrantly dishonest: the television commercials for candidates in Presidential elections.

  David Ogilvy

  Television Commercials, Presidential, Election

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• Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know.

  Eoin Colfer

  Confidence, Cocky, Ignorance

  Eoin Colfer (2001). “Artemis Fowl”

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• Any one who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

  John von Neumann

  Witty, Powerful, Science

  "Various techniques used in connection with random digits" by John von Neumann in "Monte Carlo Method" edited by A.S. Householder, G.E. Forsythe and H.H. Germond, 1951.

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• I never tell one client that I cannot attend his sales convention because I have a previous engagement with another client; successful polygamy depends upon pretending to each spouse that she is the only pebble on your beach.

  David Ogilvy

  Beach, Successful, Engagement

  David Ogilvy (1963). “Confessions of an advertising man”, Holiday House

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• To advertisers: "Do not compete with your agency in the creative area. Why keep a dog and bark yourself?"

  David Ogilvy

  Dog, Agency, Creative

  David Ogilvy (1963). “Confessions of an advertising man”, Holiday House

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• Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!

  Woody Allen

  Witty, Honey, Copies

  "Fictional character: Bob". "Everyone Says I Love You", 1996.

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• There is a great deal of advertising that is much better than the product. When that happens, all that the good advertising will do is put you out of business faster.

  Jerry Della Femina

  Advertising Business, Faster, Deals

  Jerry Della Femina (2010). “From Those Wonderful Folks Who Gave You Pearl Harb: Front-Line Dispatches from the Advertising War”, p.147, Simon and Schuster

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• Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His kids.

  Bill Cosby

  Funny, God, Baby

  Bill Cosby (2002). “Bill Cosby on Fatherhood”, p.38, Peter Pauper Press, Inc.

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• Whatever it is, I'm against it.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Inspiration

  Horse Feathers (motion picture) (1932). Screenplay by Will B. Johnstone, Bert Kalmar, S. J. Perelman, and Harry Ruby.

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• I can levitate birds. No one cares.

  Woody Allen

  Witty, Bird, Care

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• I guess a drag queen's like an oil painting: You gotta stand back from it to get the full effect.

  Harvey Fierstein

  Queens, Oil, Painting

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• He's too nervous to kill himself. He wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.

  Neil Simon

  Funny Life, Nervous, Belts

  Neil Simon (2000). “Odd Couple One and Two”, p.45, Simon and Schuster

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• Deadlines just aren't real to me until I'm staring one in the face.

  Rick Riordan

  Real, Faces, Deadline

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• I'm so far gone that I'm telling the truth. It sounds like a foreign language.

  Richard Peck

  Sound, Gone, Language

  Richard Peck (1996). “Father Figure”, p.69, Penguin

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• Common sense is the most widely shared commodity in the world, for every man is convinced that he is well supplied with it.

  Rene Descartes

  Men, Common Sense, Ironic

  Attributed to Rene Descartes in Ian Glynn "An Anatomy of Thought: The Origin and Machinery of the Mind" (p. 7), 2003.

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• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

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• The biggest liar in the world is the golfer who claims he plays the game for exercise.

  Tommy Bolt

  Funny, Liars, Exercise

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• I'm strong, I'm tough, I still wear my eyeliner.

  Lisa Leslie

  Strong, Tough, Eyeliner

  137 Copy quote

• Good women are no fun... The only good woman I can recall in history was Betsy Ross. And all she ever made was a flag.

  Mae West

  Sarcastic, Witty, Fun

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• Freud: If it's not one thing, it's your mother

  Robin Williams

  Mother, Psychology, Mental Health

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• One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at the stake while the votes were being counted.

  Thomas Reed

  Fear, Atheism, Majority

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• Your self-esteem is a notch below Kafka.

  Woody Allen

  Witty, Self Esteem, Notches

  "Fictional character: Isaac". "Manhattan", 1979.

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• I cannot articulate enough to express my dislike to people who think that understanding spoils your experience... How would they know?

  Marvin Minsky

  Thinking, People, Understanding

  "AI Techniques for Game Programming". Book by Mat Buckland, 2002.

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• Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.

  Pappy Boyington

  Funny, Airplane, Boredom

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