Humorous Quotes - Page 31

• This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.

  Wolfgang Pauli

  Witty, Insult, Mathematics

  "The Successful Toastmaster: A Treasure Chest of Introductions, Epigrams, Humor, and Quotations" by Herbert Victor Prochnow, (p. 350), 1966.

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• Interesting - I use a Mac to help me design the next Cray.(when he was told that Apple Inc. had recently bought a Cray supercomputer to help them design the next Mac )

  Seymour Cray

  Witty, Apples, Interesting

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• Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It's the only way we can get to shake a bat at a white man without starting a riot.

  Dick Gregory

  Baseball, Men, White Man

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• I suppose we all have our recollections of our earlier holidays, all bristling with horror.

  Flann O'Brien

  Holiday, Horror, Recollection

  Flann O'Brien (1985). “Myles away from Dublin: being a selection from the column written for The Nationalist and Leinster times, Carlow, under the name of George Knowall”, Grafton

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• The concerts you enjoy together/ Neighbors you annoy together/ Children you destroy together,/ That keep marriage in tact.

  Stephen Sondheim

  Marriage, Children, Together

  "The Little Things You Do Together" (song) (1970)

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• I guess a drag queen's like an oil painting: You gotta stand back from it to get the full effect.

  Harvey Fierstein

  Queens, Oil, Painting

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• He's too nervous to kill himself. He wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.

  Neil Simon

  Funny Life, Nervous, Belts

  Neil Simon (2000). “Odd Couple One and Two”, p.45, Simon and Schuster

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• I occasionally get birthday cards from fans. But it's often the same message: They hope it's my last.

  Al Forman

  Birthday, Fans, Cards

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• I'm so far gone that I'm telling the truth. It sounds like a foreign language.

  Richard Peck

  Sound, Gone, Language

  Richard Peck (1996). “Father Figure”, p.69, Penguin

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• Asking politicians to give up a source of money is like asking Dracula to forsake blood.

  Cal Thomas

  Sarcastic, Giving Up, Blood

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• Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who's got the smallest.

  Neil Kinnock

  Inspirational, Funny, Men

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• Government is like junior high. Your status depends upon whom you're able to persecute.

  Jonathan Kellerman

  Sarcastic, Government, Juniors

  Jonathan Kellerman (2003). “The Web: An Alex Delaware Novel”, p.105, Ballantine Books

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• The biggest liar in the world is the golfer who claims he plays the game for exercise.

  Tommy Bolt

  Funny, Liars, Exercise

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• I'm strong, I'm tough, I still wear my eyeliner.

  Lisa Leslie

  Strong, Tough, Eyeliner

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• Freud: If it's not one thing, it's your mother

  Robin Williams

  Mother, Psychology, Mental Health

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• One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at the stake while the votes were being counted.

  Thomas Reed

  Fear, Atheism, Majority

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• I cannot articulate enough to express my dislike to people who think that understanding spoils your experience... How would they know?

  Marvin Minsky

  Thinking, People, Understanding

  "AI Techniques for Game Programming". Book by Mat Buckland, 2002.

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• Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.

  Pappy Boyington

  Funny, Airplane, Boredom

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• It is far better to know our own weaknesses and failures than to point out those of others.

  Jawaharlal Nehru

  Weakness, Knows

  Jawaharlal Nehru (1961). “India's foreign policy: selected speeches, September 1946-April 1961”

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• Insomnia: A contagious disease often transmitted from babies to parents.

  Shannon Fife

  Baby, Children, Parenting

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• I am engaged in answering that Italian buffoon, Mazotti, whose views upon the larval development of the tropical termites have excited my derision and contempt . . .

  Arthur Conan Doyle

  Sarcasm, Italian, Views

  Arthur Conan Doyle (2013). “Professor Challenger II”, p.215, Lulu.com

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• Might I trouble you to open the window, for chloroform vapour does not help the palate.

  Arthur Conan Doyle

  Sarcasm, Doe, Chloroform

  Arthur Conan Doyle (2014). “Sherlock Holmes. Selected Stories”, p.313, OUP Oxford

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• Goresthorpe Grange is a feudal mansion - or so it was termed in the advertisement which originally brought it under my notice. Its right to this adjective had a most remarkable effect upon its price, and the advantages gained may possibly be more sentimental than real. Still, it is soothing to me to know that I have slits in my staircase through which I can discharge arrows; and there is a sense of power in the fact of possessing a complicated apparatus by means of which I am enabled to pour molten lead upon the head of the casual visitor.

  Arthur Conan Doyle

  Real, Mean, Sarcasm

  Arthur Conan Doyle (2017). “The Complete Works of Arthur Conan Doyle (Illustrated): Complete Sherlock Holmes Books, The Professor Challenger Series, The Brigadier Gerard Stories… (Including Poetry, Plays, Historical Works, Spiritualist Writings & Personal Memoirs)”, p.6172, e-artnow

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• Brothers are a blessing for one thing. There is no possibility of any young lady getting unreasonably conceited if she be endowed with them.

  Arthur Conan Doyle

  Brother, Sarcasm, Blessing

  Sir Arthur Conan Doyle “Mysteries and Adventures”, Lulu.com

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• ""Dear girl," continued Bob advancing with an imbecile grin upon his countenance, which he imagined no doubt to be a seductive smile, "fly with me! Be mine! Share with me the wild free life of a barrister! Say that you return the love which consumes my heart - oh, say it!" Here Bob put his hand over a hole in his waistcoat and struck a dramatic attitude.

  Arthur Conan Doyle

  Girl, Attitude, Heart

  Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, John Michael Gibson, Richard Lancelyn Green (1982). “Uncollected stories”, Harvill Secker

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