Humorous Quotes - Page 35

• Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to pare compare clothing.

  George Carlin

  Song, Simple, Miracle

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls around God is completely f***in' worn out.

  George Carlin

  Friday, Christian, Monday

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• Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!"

  George Carlin

  Realizing, Incidents, Said

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.

  George Carlin

  Average, Looks, Realizing

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• My dad is a very quick-witted, sarcastic, dry, humorous guy, whereas my mom's very silly, and that side of the family is very musical.

  Tim Heidecker

  Mom, Sarcastic, Dad

  "Tim & Eric". Interview with Josh Modell, www.avclub.com. November 13, 2007.

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• You can always reason with a German. You can always reason with a barnyard animal, too, for all the good it does.

  P. J. O'Rourke

  Sarcastic, Animal, Doe

  P.J. O'Rourke (2012). “Holidays in Hell”, p.165, Atlantic Books Ltd

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• Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.

  P. G. Wodehouse

  Sarcastic, Looks, Chrysanthemums

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• Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else unless it is an enemy.

  Albert Einstein

  Men, Enemy, Criminals

  Albert Einstein (2010). “Ideas And Opinions”, p.28, Broadway Books

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• There are no grades of vanity; there are only grades of ability in concealing it.

  Mark Twain

  Vanity, Grades, Ability

  Mark Twain, Caroline Thomas Harnsberger (2009). “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations”, p.494, Courier Corporation

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• Shawn's (Shawn Weatherly - former beauty queen) acting ability is such that she could not convey the concept of falling if your pushed her off a cliff.

  Dave Barry

  Queens, Fall, Acting

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• I mean, the question actors most often get asked is how they can bear saying the same things over and over again, night after night, but God knows the answer to that is, don't we all anyway; might as well get paid for it.

  Elaine Dundy

  Funny, Mean, Night

  Elaine Dundy (2010). “The Dud Avocado”, p.130, New York Review of Books

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• I really think that effective acting has to do literally with the movement of molecules.

  Glenn Close

  Funny, Thinking, Umpires

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• You spend all your life trying to do something they put people in asylums for.

  Jane Fonda

  Funny, People, Trying

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• I am far from sure when I am acting and when I am not or, should I more frankly put it, when I am lying and when I am not. For what is acting but lying and what is good acting but convincing lying?

  Laurence Olivier

  Funny, Lying, Acting

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• The principal benefit acting has afforded me is the money to pay for my psychoanalysis.

  Marlon Brando

  Funny, Acting, Actors

  "Marlon Brando: The Only Contender". Book by Gary Carey, Ch.13, 1985.

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• Many years ago I remember a famous actress explaining to me with perfect seriousness that before making an entrance she always stood aside to allow God to go on first. I can also remember that on that particular occasion He gave a singularly uninspired performance.

  Noel Coward

  Funny, Years, Perfect

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• You ask my advice about acting? Speak clearly, don't bump into the furniture and if you must have motivation, think of your pay packet on Friday.

  Noel Coward

  Funny, Friday, Motivation

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• As a profession advertising is young; as a force it is as old as the world. The first four words ever uttered, Let there be light, constitute its charter. All nature is vibrant with its impulse.

  Bruce Barton

  Light, World, Four

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• I remember the day we were hanging around the band's commune and Roger came in with the press kit for a rock band (Moby Grape) any of us had ever seen. It looked psychedelic, yet it was done by ad people. I believe the word "hype" was coined on that very day.

  Cynthia Heimel

  Believe, Rocks, Hype

  Cynthia Heimel (2002). “If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead Yet?!”, p.187, Grove Press

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• Infiniti ads are part of an exciting new trend called "Advertising Whose Sole Purpose Is to Irritate You."

  Dave Barry

  Purpose, Trends, Advertising

  Dave Barry (1994). “The World According to Dave Barry”, Outlet

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• There is one catagory of advertising which is totally uncontrolled and flagrantly dishonest: the television commercials for candidates in Presidential elections.

  David Ogilvy

  Television Commercials, Presidential, Election

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• I never tell one client that I cannot attend his sales convention because I have a previous engagement with another client; successful polygamy depends upon pretending to each spouse that she is the only pebble on your beach.

  David Ogilvy

  Beach, Successful, Engagement

  David Ogilvy (1963). “Confessions of an advertising man”, Holiday House

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• To advertisers: "Do not compete with your agency in the creative area. Why keep a dog and bark yourself?"

  David Ogilvy

  Dog, Agency, Creative

  David Ogilvy (1963). “Confessions of an advertising man”, Holiday House

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• There is a great deal of advertising that is much better than the product. When that happens, all that the good advertising will do is put you out of business faster.

  Jerry Della Femina

  Advertising Business, Faster, Deals

  Jerry Della Femina (2010). “From Those Wonderful Folks Who Gave You Pearl Harb: Front-Line Dispatches from the Advertising War”, p.147, Simon and Schuster

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• Some jobs are worse than actual wives. Ad agency vs. Matrimony, for instance: Even the most capricious and demanding spouse is not going to divorce you for refusing to spend forty hours a week making up lies about toilet paper.

  P. J. O'Rourke

  Jobs, Lying, Divorce

  P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “The Bachelor Home Companion: A Practical Guide to Keeping House Like a Pig”, p.42, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

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