Humorous Quotes - Page 35

• You spend all your life trying to do something they put people in asylums for.

  Jane Fonda

  Funny, People, Trying

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• I am far from sure when I am acting and when I am not or, should I more frankly put it, when I am lying and when I am not. For what is acting but lying and what is good acting but convincing lying?

  Laurence Olivier

  Funny, Lying, Acting

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• Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.

  Woody Allen

  Christian, Witty, Car

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• The principal benefit acting has afforded me is the money to pay for my psychoanalysis.

  Marlon Brando

  Funny, Acting, Actors

  "Marlon Brando: The Only Contender". Book by Gary Carey, Ch.13, 1985.

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• The ladies men admire, I've heard, Would shudder at a wicked word. Their candle gives a single light, They'd rather stay at home at night. They do not keep awake 'till three, Nor read erotic poetry. They never sanction the impure, Nor recognize an overture. They shrink from powders and from paints... So far I've had no complaints.

  Dorothy Parker

  Home, Night, Men

  Dorothy Parker (1936). “Not So Deep as a Well”, Macmillan Company of Canada

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• She dotes on poetry, sir. She adores it; I may say that her whole soul and mind are wound up, and entwined with it. She has produced some delightful pieces, herself, sir. You may have met with her 'Ode to an Expiring Frog,' sir.

  Charles Dickens

  Funny, Soul, Mind

  Charles Dickens (1838). “The Posthumous Papers of the Pickwick Club”, p.185

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• I've no time for broads who want to rule the world alone. Without men, who'd do up the zipper on the back of your dress?

  Mae West

  Sarcastic, Witty, Men

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• Many years ago I remember a famous actress explaining to me with perfect seriousness that before making an entrance she always stood aside to allow God to go on first. I can also remember that on that particular occasion He gave a singularly uninspired performance.

  Noel Coward

  Funny, Years, Perfect

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• If you appeal to the crowd, either by being humorous or brutal or eccentric, you gain favor.

  Suzanne Collins

  Crowds, Favors, Eccentric

  Suzanne Collins (2009). “The Hunger Games”, p.111, Scholastic Inc.

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• I really can't think about kissing when I've got a rebellion to incite.

  Suzanne Collins

  Kissing, Thinking, Catching On

  Suzanne Collins (2010). “Catching Fire (The Second Book of the Hunger Games)”, p.126, Scholastic Inc.

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• Cultivate a sense of humour. From a humorous point of view this lunch is rather good.

  Jerome K. Jerome

  Views, Lunch, Sense Of Humor

  "They and I".

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• When you consider the opportunity and power He had to really do a job, and then look at the stupid, ugly little mess He made of it instead, His sheer incompetence is almost staggering.

  Joseph Heller

  Funny, God, Jobs

  Joseph Heller (1999). “Catch-22: A Novel”, p.172, Simon and Schuster

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• I can't even tell you what else I imagined. I can only humiliate myself to such a degree; at a certain point it becomes humorous, and this story is not meant to be humorous. This story is meant to winch your ribs open and tamper with your heart. This story is meant to make you realize that your chances of happiness in this world are terribly slim if you lack a fine imagination.

  Heidi Julavits

  Heart, Imagination, Degrees

  Heidi Julavits (2004). “The Effect of Living Backwards”, p.260, Penguin

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• No. Now, shut up and eat your pears.

  Suzanne Collins

  Shut Up, Pears

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• Hey, Rosalie? Do you know how to drown a blonde? Stick a mirror to the bottom of a pool.

  Stephenie Meyer

  Mirrors, Blonde, Hey

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• You nickednamed my daughter after the Loch Ness Monster?

  Stephenie Meyer

  Daughter, Monsters, Locks

  The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2, www.imdb.com. 2012.

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• To advertisers: "Do not compete with your agency in the creative area. Why keep a dog and bark yourself?"

  David Ogilvy

  Dog, Agency, Creative

  David Ogilvy (1963). “Confessions of an advertising man”, Holiday House

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• There is one catagory of advertising which is totally uncontrolled and flagrantly dishonest: the television commercials for candidates in Presidential elections.

  David Ogilvy

  Television Commercials, Presidential, Election

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• I never tell one client that I cannot attend his sales convention because I have a previous engagement with another client; successful polygamy depends upon pretending to each spouse that she is the only pebble on your beach.

  David Ogilvy

  Beach, Successful, Engagement

  David Ogilvy (1963). “Confessions of an advertising man”, Holiday House

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• She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Inspiration

  "Fictional character: Dr. Hackenbush". "A Day at the Races", www.imdb.com. 1937.

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• Technically, I am unarmed. But no one should ever underestimate the harm that fingernails can do. Especially if the target is unprepared.

  Suzanne Collins

  Catching Fire, Target, Underestimate

  Suzanne Collins (2010). “Catching Fire (The Second Book of the Hunger Games)”, p.387, Scholastic Inc.

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• When you lead a life of scholarship you can't be bothered with the humorous realities, you know, tits, that kind of thing.

  Harold Pinter

  Reality, Kind, Scholarship

  Harold Pinter (2015). “Death etc.”, p.66, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

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• There is a great deal of advertising that is much better than the product. When that happens, all that the good advertising will do is put you out of business faster.

  Jerry Della Femina

  Advertising Business, Faster, Deals

  Jerry Della Femina (2010). “From Those Wonderful Folks Who Gave You Pearl Harb: Front-Line Dispatches from the Advertising War”, p.147, Simon and Schuster

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• I don't do what I'm told, but I might do what you want if you ask me nicely.

  Cassandra Clare

  Want, Might, Obedience

  Cassandra Clare (2010). “Cassandra Clare: The Mortal Instrument Series (3 books): City of Bones; City of Ashes; City of Glass”, p.741, Simon and Schuster

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• Some jobs are worse than actual wives. Ad agency vs. Matrimony, for instance: Even the most capricious and demanding spouse is not going to divorce you for refusing to spend forty hours a week making up lies about toilet paper.

  P. J. O'Rourke

  Jobs, Lying, Divorce

  P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “The Bachelor Home Companion: A Practical Guide to Keeping House Like a Pig”, p.42, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

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