Humorous Quotes - Page 39

• I don't understand German myself. I learned it at school, but forgot every word of it two years after I had left, and have felt much better ever since.

  Jerome K. Jerome

  Funny, School, Years

  Jerome K. Jerome (2006). “Jerome K. Jerome: 14 Books in 1”, p.26, Shoes & Ships & Sealing Wax

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• Tax reform means, "Don't tax you, don't tax me. Tax that fellow behind the tree."

  Russell B. Long

  Mean, Tree, Political

  15 Copy quote

• Most people I ask little from. I try to give them much, and expect nothing in return and I do very well in the bargain.

  Francois Fenelon

  Funny, People, Giving

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  In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  207 Copy quote

• You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Brother

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• It would be a service to mankind if the pill were available in slot machines and the cigarette were placed on prescription.

  Malcolm Potts

  Funny, Smoking, Pills

  46 Copy quote

• While we are postponing, life speeds by.

  Seneca the Younger

  Inspirational, Life, Wisdom

  31 Copy quote

• The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Witty, Time

  715 Copy quote

• Ask the young. They know everything.

  Joseph Joubert

  Time, Children, Parenting

  "The Notebooks of Joseph Joubert". Book by Joseph Joubert, translated by Paul Auster, 2005.

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• A wise man sees as much as he ought, not as much as he can.

  Michel de Montaigne

  Inspirational, Wise, Wisdom

  Attributed to "Essais" by Michel de Montaigne, 1595.

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• People are your most valuable asset. Only people can be made to appreciate in value.

  Stephen Covey

  Inspirational, Motivational, People

  22 Copy quote

• How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

  Anais Nin

  Love, Inspirational, Dream

  23 Copy quote

• The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.

  Winston Churchill

  Life, Leadership, Motivation

  185 Copy quote

• Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man to fish, and you ruin a wonderful business opportunity.

  Karl Marx

  Motivational, Business, Opportunity

  483 Copy quote

• Success and failure are both difficult to endure. Along with success come drugs, divorce, fornication, bullying, travel, meditation, medication, depression, neurosis and suicide. With failure comes failure.

  Joseph Heller

  Funny, Success, Suicide

  1975 Interview in Playboy, Jun.

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• I am pushing sixty. That is enough exercise for me.

  Mark Twain

  Fitness, Health, Exercise

  Mark Twain (1972). “Everyone's Mark Twain”

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• Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.

  A. Whitney Brown

  Funny, Military, School

  91 Copy quote

• I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'

  Bruce Baum

  Funny, Witty, Comedian

  46 Copy quote

• Sometimes you're the windshield; sometimes you're the bug.

  Mark Knopfler

  Funny, Bugs, Sometimes

  Song: The Bug

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• Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

  Carl Friedrich Gauss

  Funny, Witty, Powerful

  Attributed in "Men of Mathematics" by E. T. Bell, 1937.

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• It's not your blue blood, your pedigree or your college degree. It's what you do with your life that counts.

  Millard Fuller

  Life, Graduation, Wrestling

  70 Copy quote

• You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax - tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

  Pearl Williams

  Funny, Get Well Soon, Home

  53 Copy quote
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  Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

  Miles Kington

  Funny, Hilarious, Wise

  The Independent (UK), March 28, 2003.

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• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Hilarious, Way

  195 Copy quote

• By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.

  Charles Wadsworth

  Funny, Hilarious, Father

  199 Copy quote