Humorous Quotes - Page 39

• Never forget that it is the spirit with which you endow your work that makes it useful or futile.

  Adelaide Hasse

  Witty, Motivation, Insightful

  Adelaide Rosalia Hasse (1919). “The Compensations of Librarianship”

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• Good Americans, when they die, go to Paris.

  Thomas Gold Appleton

  Funny, Paris, America

  In Oliver Wendell Holmes 'The Autocrat of the Breakfast Table' (1858) ch. 6

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• Never get married in the morning, because you never know who you'll meet that night.

  Paul Hornung

  Funny, Marriage, Wedding

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• Don't accept rides from strange men, and remember that all men are strange.

  Robin Morgan

  Love, Funny, Men

  Sisterhood Is Powerful "Letter to a Sister Underground" (1970)

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• Tax reform means, "Don't tax you, don't tax me. Tax that fellow behind the tree."

  Russell B. Long

  Mean, Tree, Political

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• Most people I ask little from. I try to give them much, and expect nothing in return and I do very well in the bargain.

  Francois Fenelon

  Funny, People, Giving

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• After a truly good meal, an outstanding cigar is still the most satisfying after-dinner activity that doesn't involve two human beings.

  Brad Shaw

  Funny, Two, Smoking

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• A cigar has "...a fire at one end and a fool at the other."

  Horace Greeley

  Funny, Fire, Cigarette Smoke

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• It would be a service to mankind if the pill were available in slot machines and the cigarette were placed on prescription.

  Malcolm Potts

  Funny, Smoking, Pills

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• I am sure there are many things better than a good cigar, but right now, I can't think of what they might be.

  Richard Carleton

  Funny, Thinking, Smoking

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• If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

  Art Hoppe

  God, Profound, Religion

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• On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks.

  H. Allen Smith

  Monday, Morning, 4th Of July

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• ...it is not necessary to the child to awaken to the sense of the strange and humorous by giving a man a luminous nose...to the child it is sufficiently strange and humorous to have a nose at all.

  Gilbert K. Chesterton

  Children, Men, Giving

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• A jury too often has at least one member more ready to hang the panel than to hang the traitor.

  Abraham Lincoln

  Funny, Success, Law

  Abraham Lincoln, Archer Hayes Shaw (1980). “The Lincoln encyclopedia: the spoken and written words of A. Lincoln arranged for ready reference”, Greenwood Pub Group

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• Another good reducing exercise consists in placing both hands against the table edge and pushing back.

  Robert Quillen

  Loss, Exercise, Hands

  "The Sage of Fountain Inn" by Alexander Woollcott in Cosmopolitan magazine, September 1933.

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• When others kid me about being bald, I simply tell them that the way I figure it, the good Lord only gave men so many hormones, and if others want to waste theirs on growing hair, that's up to them.

  John Glenn

  Funny, Sex, Kids

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• Though she doesn't remember any trauma, she said that her parents told her she cried on a daily basis and her grandmother resorted to passing out candy so the kids would play with her. Though it was a humorous moment, Mila said, "I know, God bless her. She's an amazing, amazing woman."

  Mila Kunis

  Grandma, Kids, Grandmother

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• Oh no, the dead have risen and they're voting Republican.

  Yeardley Smith

  Voting, Republican, Democrat

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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• Americans are like a rich father who wishes he knew how to give his son the hardships that made him rich.

  Robert Frost

  Funny, Father, Son

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• It is a sad truth, but we have lost the faculty of giving lovely names to things. Names are everything. I never quarrel with actions. My one quarrel is with words. The man who could call a spade a spade should be compelled to use one. It is the only thing he is fit for.

  Oscar Wilde

  Love, Funny, Men

  Oscar Wilde (2015). “The Picture of Dorian Gray (Diversion Classics)”, p.212, Diversion Books

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• Throughout my career, I've always portrayed characters that were humorous, but also weren't afraid to speak their minds, especially when it came to racy or controversial topics. I think this struck a chord with the LGBT community. We both also share a very strong love for animals. When you combine the two, it's a very strong match.

  Betty White

  Strong, Character, Animal

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• My father must have had some elementary education for he could read and write and keep accounts inaccurately

  George Bernard Shaw

  Funny, Father, Writing

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• Don't say yes until I finish talking.

  Darryl F. Zanuck

  Talking, Insult

  "Hollywood Flashback: In the 1930s, Darryl F. Zanuck Had a Killer Instinct" by Bill Higgins, www.hollywoodreporter.com. June 23, 2016.

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• It's good to know that if I behave strangely enough, society will take full responsibility for me.

  Ashleigh Brilliant

  Depression, Responsibility, Profound

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• Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?

  Jon Stewart

  Funny, God, Sorry

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