Humorous Quotes - Page 37

• But when I don't smoke I scarcely feel as if I'm living. I don't feel as if I'm living unless I'm killing myself.

  Russell Hoban

  Funny, Cigarette Smoke, Smoking

  Russell Hoban (2012). “The Turtle Diary”, p.21, A&C Black

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• Thery're both iron, isn't that funny?" "Funny haha or funny strange?" James handed them back to me "Funny 'occult'" "Ah. Funny strange" James looked at me sternly, "Don't start that. I'm supposed to be the humorous one

  Maggie Stiefvater

  Iron, Haha, Strange

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• This story is not and never was meant to challenge anyone's faith; however, if one's faith can be shaken by stories in a humorous novel, one may have a bit more praying to do.

  Christopher Moore

  Challenges, Stories, May

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• Character is what you are in the dark.

  Dwight L. Moody

  Inspiring, Inspirational Life, Character

  Attributed in "D.L. Moody" by William R. Moody, (p. 503), 1930.

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• You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Soup

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• Eating and sleeping are the only activities that should be allowed to interrupt a man's enjoyment of his cigar.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Sleep, Men

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• It's all right for a perfect stranger to kiss your hand as long as he's perfect.

  Mae West

  Sarcastic, Witty, Kissing

  Mae West (1967). “The wit and wisdom of Mae West”

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• You may admire a girl's curves on the first introduction, but the second meeting shows up new angles.

  Mae West

  Girl, Sarcastic, Witty

  Mae West (1967). “The wit and wisdom of Mae West”

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• Dogs are getting bigger, according to a leading dog manufacturer.

  Leo Rosten

  Funny, Dog, Animal Rights

  Leo Calvin Rosten (1972). “Rome wasn't burned in a day: the mischief of language”

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• All geniuses die young.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Genius

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• If it's free, it's advice; if you pay for it, it's counseling; if you can use either one, it's a miracle.

  Jack Adams

  Funny, Miracle, Advice

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• John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Confused

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• The invention of the teenager was a mistake. Once you identify a period of life in which people get to stay out late but don't have to pay taxes - naturally, no one wants to live any other way.

  Judith Martin

  Inspirational, Children, Growing Up

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• Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Good Luck

  Groucho Marx (2008). “Memoirs Of A Mangy Lover”, p.88, Da Capo Press

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• Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Glasses

  Groucho Marx (2008). “Memoirs Of A Mangy Lover”, p.94, Da Capo Press

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• Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Air

  Groucho Marx (2008). “Memoirs Of A Mangy Lover”, p.98, Da Capo Press

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• With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Clothes

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• My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Thinking

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• We spent as much money as we could and got as little for it as people could make up their minds to give us. We were always more or less miserable, and most of our acquaintance were in the same condition. There was a gay fiction among us that we were constantly enjoying ourselves, and a skeleton truth that we never did. To the best of my belief, our case was in the last aspect a rather common one.

  Charles Dickens

  Funny, Money, Gay

  Charles Dickens (2012). “Great Expectations Thrift Study Edition”, p.215, Courier Corporation

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• Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Girl, Witty

  Groucho Marx, Richard J. Anobile (1973). “The Marx Bros. Scrapbook”, Crown Publishing Group (NY)

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• Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.

  Kathy Lette

  Relationship, Birthday, Intelligent

  Kathy Lette (2010). “Men: A User's Guide”, p.1, Random House

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• All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.

  Ashleigh Brilliant

  Power, Profound, Insane

  Ashleigh Brilliant (1985). “All I Want is a Warm Bed and a Kind Word and Unlimited Power: Even More Brilliant Thoughts”, Brilliant Enterprises

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• What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Dream, Guy

  "God". Play by Woody Allen, 1975.

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• I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger.

  Gloria Steinem

  Girlfriend, Henry Kissinger, Has Beens

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• He was of the faith chiefly in the sense that the church he currently did not attend was Catholic.

  Kingsley Amis

  Funny, Faith, Catholic

  One Fat Englishman (1963) ch. 8

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