Humorous Quotes - Page 37

• Of all noises, I think music is the least disagreeable.

  Samuel Johnson

  Music, Thinking, Noise

  Quoted in The Morning Chronicle, 1816.

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• Music is spiritual. The music business is not.

  Van Morrison

  Funny, Music, Spiritual

  "The Times" [London], July 6, 1990.

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• Clarinets, like lawyers, have cases, mouthpieces, and they need a constant supply of hot air in order to function.

  Victor Borge

  Funny, Music, Air

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• It (the double-clarinet in India) was primarily used for snake charming, since the snake would do almost anything to get the Indians to stop playing it.

  Victor Borge

  Music, Snakes, India

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• The conductor is a peculiar person. He turns his back on his friends in the audience, shakes a stick at his players in the orchestra, and then wonders why nobody loves him.

  Victor Borge

  Funny, Music, Player

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• Mendelssohn never wrote any Water Music. However, he wrote the Scotch Symphony, which is even better, or at least stronger.

  Victor Borge

  Funny, Music, Scotch

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• They say that Nero started the fire himself because he needed a suitable backdrop for his concert.

  Victor Borge

  Funny, Music, Fire

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• Well, all's fair in love, war and fooling the critics.

  Victor Borge

  Funny, Music, War

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• I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Cute, Witty

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• I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Family, Witty

  Fred Allen (2008). “Much Ado About Me”, p.200, Wildside Press LLC

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• Talkers are no good doers.

  William Shakespeare

  Silence, Laziness, Doers

  William Shakespeare, John Payne Collier, Charles Symmons (1839). “The Dramatic Works of William Shakspeare: Henry IV, pt. 2. Henry V. Henry VI, pts. 1-3”, p.32

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• I like the word "indolence." It makes my laziness seem classy.

  Bernard Williams

  Lazy Man, Profound, Laziness

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• Judges don't age. Time decorates them.

  Enid Bagnold

  Funny, Judging, Age

  Enid Bagnold (1970). “Four plays”

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• God is a Republican, and Santa Claus is a Democrat.

  H. L. Mencken

  Funny, Party, Santa

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• The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.

  Henry A. Kissinger

  Office, Infallible

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• The court is like a palace of marble; it's composed of people very hard and very polished.

  Jean de la Bruyere

  Funny, Success, Law

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• A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.

  Herbert V. Prochnow

  Inspirational, Funny, Cities

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• Because of its vitality, the computing field is always in desperate need of new cliches: Banality soothes our nerves.

  Alan Perlis

  Technology, Needs, Fields

  "Epigrams on Programming". ACM SIGPLAN Notices 17 (9), pp. 7-13, pu.inf.uni-tuebingen.de. September 1982.

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• Women who miscalculate are called mothers.

  Abigail Van Buren

  Family, Mother, Motherhood

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• A fool must now and then be right, by chance

  William Cowper

  Truth, Intellectual, Intelligence

  "Conversation" l. 96 (1782)

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• A good cigar is as great a comfort to a man as a good cry to a woman.

  Edward Bulwer-Lytton, 1st Baron Lytton

  Funny, Men, Smoking

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• But when I don't smoke I scarcely feel as if I'm living. I don't feel as if I'm living unless I'm killing myself.

  Russell Hoban

  Funny, Cigarette Smoke, Smoking

  Russell Hoban (2012). “The Turtle Diary”, p.21, A&C Black

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• Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Zero, Cigarette Smoke

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• Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the consumer.

  George Carlin

  Funny, People, Smoking

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• Eating and sleeping are the only activities that should be allowed to interrupt a man's enjoyment of his cigar.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Sleep, Men

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