Humorous Quotes - Page 38

• Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Air

  Groucho Marx (2008). “Memoirs Of A Mangy Lover”, p.98, Da Capo Press

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• With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Clothes

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• My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Thinking

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• We spent as much money as we could and got as little for it as people could make up their minds to give us. We were always more or less miserable, and most of our acquaintance were in the same condition. There was a gay fiction among us that we were constantly enjoying ourselves, and a skeleton truth that we never did. To the best of my belief, our case was in the last aspect a rather common one.

  Charles Dickens

  Funny, Money, Gay

  Charles Dickens (2012). “Great Expectations Thrift Study Edition”, p.215, Courier Corporation

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• Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Girl, Witty

  Groucho Marx, Richard J. Anobile (1973). “The Marx Bros. Scrapbook”, Crown Publishing Group (NY)

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• Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Anniversary, Sex

  "I give up" by Emily Wilson, www.theguardian.com. August 5, 2003.

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• All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.

  Ashleigh Brilliant

  Power, Profound, Insane

  Ashleigh Brilliant (1985). “All I Want is a Warm Bed and a Kind Word and Unlimited Power: Even More Brilliant Thoughts”, Brilliant Enterprises

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• What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Dream, Guy

  "God". Play by Woody Allen, 1975.

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• Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

  Woody Allen

  Love, Funny, Life

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• I saw what a mess a lot of people could make of their lives when they're smitten. Some of them go temporarily insane. They find a person who they think holds the key to their happiness-the only key to their happiness... My work has always been my greatest happiness

  Mae West

  Sarcastic, Witty, Thinking

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• While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, The fate of empires and the fall of kings; While quacks of State must each produce his plan, And even children lisp the Rights of Man; Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, The Rights of Woman merit some attention.

  Robert Burns

  Kings, Children, Fall

  Robert Burns, Robert Chambers (1838). “The Poetical Works of Robert Burns. To which are Now Added, Notes Illustrating Historical, Personal, and Local Allusions. [The Editor's Preface Signed: R. C., I.e. Robert Chambers.]”, p.85

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• Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults.

  Harvey Kurtzman

  Baby, Children, Teenager

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• Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Inspiration

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• This isn't a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Thinking

  Groucho Marx (2017). “Groucho and Me”, p.238, Pickle Partners Publishing

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• Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

  Woody Allen

  Witty, Sex, Fun

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• How did sex come to be thought of as dirty in the first place? God must have been a Republican.

  Will Durst

  Sex, Dirty, Firsts

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• Children from the age of five to ten should watch more television. Television depicts adults as rotten SOB's given to fistfights, gunplay, and other mayhem. Kids who believe this about grownups aren't likely to argue about bedtime.

  P. J. O'Rourke

  Funny, Baby, Children

  P. J. O'Rourke (1987). “The Bachelor Home Companion: A Practical Guide to Keeping House Like a Pig”, Pocket

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• Swearing relieves the feelings - that is what swearing does. I explained this to my aunt on one occasion, but it didn't answer with her. She said I had no business to have such feelings.

  Jerome K. Jerome

  Funny, Aunt, Feelings

  Jerome K. Jerome (2016). “The Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow”, p.67, Jerome K. Jerome

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• Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

  George Carlin

  Inspirational, Self Esteem, Stupid People

  George Carlin (2001). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• You know how it is with some girls. They seem to take the stuffing right out of you. I mean to say, there is something about their personality that paralyses the vocal cords and reduces the contents of the brain to cauliflower.

  P. G. Wodehouse

  Girl, Mean, Personality

  P. G. Wodehouse (2015). “Right Ho, Jeeves”, p.10, Booklassic

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• I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.

  Ashleigh Brilliant

  Funny, Hilarious, Liberty

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• I don't understand German myself. I learned it at school, but forgot every word of it two years after I had left, and have felt much better ever since.

  Jerome K. Jerome

  Funny, School, Years

  Jerome K. Jerome (2006). “Jerome K. Jerome: 14 Books in 1”, p.26, Shoes & Ships & Sealing Wax

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• I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible.

  Leslie Nielsen

  Funny, Basketball, Sex

  "Fictional character: Frank Drebin". "Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult", www.imdb.com. 1994.

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• Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Sex, Dirty

  Everything You Always Wanted to Know about Sex (1972 film)

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• You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Brother

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