Humorous Quotes - Page 38

• I promised myself that if ever I had some money that I would savor a cigar each day after lunch and dinner. This is the only resolution of my youth that I have kept, and the only realized ambition which has not brought disillusion.

  W. Somerset Maugham

  Funny, Ambition, Lunch

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• If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.

  George Burns

  Funny, Smoking, Making Love

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• If I cannot smoke in heaven, then I shall not go.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Smoking, Heaven

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• It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts.

  Henry David Thoreau

  Beautiful, Art, Design

  Henry David Thoreau (1882). “Walden”, p.142

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• The worse you are at thinking, the better you are at drinking.

  Terry Goodkind

  Drinking, Thinking, Drinking Whiskey

  "Sword of Truth". Series of novels by Terry Goodkind, 1994-2018.

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• When I finally embraced abstinence it was because of the simple urge to work a longer day. Thus, without joining Alcoholics Anonymous, I was at last able to leave Piss-Artists Notorious.

  Clive James

  Funny, Drinking, Wine

  Clive James (2012). “Always Unreliable: Memoirs”, p.303, Pan Macmillan

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• Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.

  Mike Harding

  Baby, Father, Kids

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• If it takes a lot of words to say what you have in mind, give it more thought.

  Dennis Roch

  Leadership, Silly, Communication

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• The whole imposing edifice of modern medicine is like the celebrated tower of Pisa - slightly off balance.

  Prince Charles

  Doctors, Medicine, Balance

  "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

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  Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Witty, Food

  Mark Twain (2014). “Mark Twain on Common Sense: Timeless Advice and Words of Wisdom from America's Most-Revered Humorist”, p.30, Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.

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• The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love

  Joe Louis

  Love, Funny, Witty

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• It was a typically British birth... I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward... I came out in sympathy.

  Bob Hope

  Funny, Hilarious, Witty

  Bob Hope (2004). “Bob Hope”, Hyperion

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• A wise saying is something you keep picking up off the floor in front of your fridge

  Robert Breault

  Funny, Wise, Witty

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• If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth

  Logan Pearsall Smith

  Funny, Witty, Truth

  Logan Pearsall Smith (1931). “Afterthoughts”

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• I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced

  Ruby Wax

  Funny, Witty, Misplaced

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• Love requires a willingness to die; marriage, a willingness to live.

  Mignon McLaughlin

  Funny, Marriage, Witty

  Mignon McLaughlin (2014). “Aperçus: The Aphorisms of Mignon McLaughlin”, p.29, BookBaby

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• What we love about love is the fever, which marriage puts to bed and cures.

  Mignon McLaughlin

  Funny, Marriage, Witty

  Mignon McLaughlin (2014). “Aperçus: The Aphorisms of Mignon McLaughlin”, p.22, BookBaby

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• Men never know how tired they are till their wives sit them down for a nice long talk.

  Mignon McLaughlin

  Inspirational, Funny, Marriage

  Mignon McLaughlin (2014). “Aperçus: The Aphorisms of Mignon McLaughlin”, p.22, BookBaby

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• In the early years, you fight because you don't understand each other. In the later years, you fight because you do.

  Joan Didion

  Funny, Marriage, Witty

  FaceBook post by Joan Didion from Sep 05, 2011

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• The two real political parties in America are the Winners and the Losers. The people don't acknowledge this. They claim membership in two imaginary parties, the Republicans and the Democrats, instead.

  Kurt Vonnegut

  Funny, Real, Party

  Kurt Vonnegut (2012). “Kurt Vonnegut: Letters”, p.1964, Random House

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• An actor who knows his business ought to be able to make the London telephone directory sound enthralling.

  Donald Sinden

  Funny, Acting, Sound

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• We are born at the rise of the curtain and we die with its fall, and every night in the presence of our patrons we write our new creation, and every night it is blotted out forever; and of what use is it to say to audience or to critic, ''Ah, but you should have seen me last Tuesday?''

  Micheal Mac Liammoir

  Funny, Fall, Writing

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• The ability to play the clarinet is the ability to overcome the imperfections of the instrument. There's no such thing as a perfect clarinet, never was and never will be.

  Jack Brymer

  Funny, Music, Play

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• The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

  Nathaniel Borenstein

  Learning, Agreement, Profound

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• An emotional man may possess no humor, but a humorous man usually has deep pockets of emotion, sometimes tucked away or forgotten.

  Constance Rourke

  Men, Emotional, Pockets

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