Humorous Quotes - Page 34

• An art thief is a man who takes pictures.

  George Carlin

  Art, Men, Thieves

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• We're not supposed to mention f***ing in mixed company, but that's exactly where it takes place.

  George Carlin

  Company

  8 Copy quote

• Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff?

  George Carlin

  People, Stuff, Bother

  George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.337, Hachette UK

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• Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help.

  George Carlin

  Giving, Helping, Feels

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems are breaking down, and I thought, What a wonderful thing; perhaps I can make some small contribution to this process, myself.

  George Carlin

  School, Firsts, Down And

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away?

  George Carlin

  Giving, Selling, Should

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• Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.

  George Carlin

  Disease, Impossible, Medical

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.

  George Carlin

  Cancer, Long, Causes

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again!

  George Carlin

  Thinking, Hitting, Sticks

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• Christian Deodorant: "Thou Shalt Not Smell"

  George Carlin

  Christian, Smell, Deodorant

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd like; generally, it's an inconvenience.

  George Carlin

  Hate, Schedules, Inconvenience

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.

  George Carlin

  Rain, One Day, Sometimes

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• In Hawaii they say, "aloha." That's a nice one, It means both "hello" and "good-bye" Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going.

  George Carlin

  Nice, Mean, Bye

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• A pear is a failed apple.

  George Carlin

  Apples, Pears

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? "Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself."

  George Carlin

  Suicide, Hurt, Eye

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• The owner of a Florida massage parlor has been arrested by police. "There weren't any serious violations," said the officers, "she just rubbed us the wrong way."

  George Carlin

  Florida, Police, Massage

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to.

  George Carlin

  Civilization, Used, Decline

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect.

  George Carlin

  Worry, Hell, Break

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out.

  George Carlin

  Ideas, Rope, Strings

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope.

  George Carlin

  Fast Food, Cheetahs, Antelopes

  George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.462, Hachette UK

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• If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found.

  George Carlin

  Mind, Honest, Lost

  George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.464, Hachette UK

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• As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path.

  George Carlin

  Rivers, Swim, Path

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• You know why we're good at it? Because we get a lot of practice. This country is only 200 years old, and already we've had ten major wars. We average a major war every twenty years. So we're good at it!

  George Carlin

  Country, War, Average

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• McDonald's breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery.

  George Carlin

  Mcdonalds, Dollars, Cost

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• Professional soldiers are people who die for a living.

  George Carlin

  People, Soldier, Dies

  8 Copy quote