Humorous Quotes - Page 34

• In Hawaii they say, "aloha." That's a nice one, It means both "hello" and "good-bye" Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going.

  George Carlin

  Nice, Mean, Bye

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

  27 Copy quote

  Show source

• The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract-- Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Party

  Groucho Marx (2000). “The Essential Groucho: Writings By, For, and about Groucho Marx”, Vintage

  5 Copy quote

  Show source

• If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Wisdom, Witty

  11 Copy quote

• Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Land

  8 Copy quote

• How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

  George Carlin

  Funny, God, Sarcastic

  10 Copy quote

• Every now and then I like to do as I'm told, just to confuse people.

  Tamora Pierce

  People, Now And Then, Obedience

  Tamora Pierce (2010). “Melting Stones”, p.146, Scholastic Inc.

  5 Copy quote

  Show source

• The owner of a Florida massage parlor has been arrested by police. "There weren't any serious violations," said the officers, "she just rubbed us the wrong way."

  George Carlin

  Florida, Police, Massage

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

  8 Copy quote

  Show source

• When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to.

  George Carlin

  Civilization, Used, Decline

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

  8 Copy quote

  Show source

• To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope.

  George Carlin

  Fast Food, Cheetahs, Antelopes

  George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.462, Hachette UK

  119 Copy quote

  Show source

• I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

  George Burns

  Funny, Kids, Age

  26 Copy quote

• Any place I hang my head is home.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Home

  9 Copy quote

• If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found.

  George Carlin

  Mind, Honest, Lost

  George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.464, Hachette UK

  10 Copy quote

  Show source

• You know why we're good at it? Because we get a lot of practice. This country is only 200 years old, and already we've had ten major wars. We average a major war every twenty years. So we're good at it!

  George Carlin

  Country, War, Average

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

  4 Copy quote

  Show source

• I have neither the scholar's melancholy, which is emulation; nor the musician's, which is fantastical; nor the courtier's, which is proud; not the soldier's which is ambitious; nor the lawyer's, which is politic; nor the lady's, which is nice; nor the lover's, which is all these: but it is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, which, by often rumination, wraps me in a most humorous sadness.

  William Shakespeare

  Nice, Sadness, Soldier

  William Shakespeare (2012). “Comedies of Shakespeare in Plain and Simple English (a Modern Translation and the Original Version)”, p.747, BookCaps Study Guides

  20 Copy quote

  Show source

• Also, I'm sleeping with your mom. Just thought you should know.

  Cassandra Clare

  Mom, Sleep, Should

  18 Copy quote

• And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Might

  10 Copy quote

• Do you mind if I don't smoke?

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Smoking

  "Fictional character: Captain Jeffrey Spaulding". "Animal Crackers", www.imdb.com. 1930.

  13 Copy quote

  Show source

• It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.

  Rick Riordan

  Life, Enjoy, Feels

  Rick Riordan (2009). “Percy Jackson and the Last Olympian”, p.37, Penguin UK

  18 Copy quote

  Show source

• Professional soldiers are people who die for a living.

  George Carlin

  People, Soldier, Dies

  8 Copy quote

• Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to pare compare clothing.

  George Carlin

  Song, Simple, Miracle

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

  4 Copy quote

  Show source

• Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.

  Woody Allen

  Christian, Witty, Car

  26 Copy quote

• The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls around God is completely f***in' worn out.

  George Carlin

  Friday, Christian, Monday

  8 Copy quote

• The ladies men admire, I've heard, Would shudder at a wicked word. Their candle gives a single light, They'd rather stay at home at night. They do not keep awake 'till three, Nor read erotic poetry. They never sanction the impure, Nor recognize an overture. They shrink from powders and from paints... So far I've had no complaints.

  Dorothy Parker

  Home, Night, Men

  Dorothy Parker (1936). “Not So Deep as a Well”, Macmillan Company of Canada

  18 Copy quote

  Show source

• She dotes on poetry, sir. She adores it; I may say that her whole soul and mind are wound up, and entwined with it. She has produced some delightful pieces, herself, sir. You may have met with her 'Ode to an Expiring Frog,' sir.

  Charles Dickens

  Funny, Soul, Mind

  Charles Dickens (1838). “The Posthumous Papers of the Pickwick Club”, p.185

  11 Copy quote

  Show source

• I've no time for broads who want to rule the world alone. Without men, who'd do up the zipper on the back of your dress?

  Mae West

  Sarcastic, Witty, Men

  18 Copy quote