Humorous Quotes - Page 27

• It's all right for a perfect stranger to kiss your hand as long as he's perfect.

  Mae West

  Sarcastic, Witty, Kissing

  Mae West (1967). “The wit and wisdom of Mae West”

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• You may admire a girl's curves on the first introduction, but the second meeting shows up new angles.

  Mae West

  Girl, Sarcastic, Witty

  Mae West (1967). “The wit and wisdom of Mae West”

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• All geniuses die young.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Genius

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• John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Confused

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• The invention of the teenager was a mistake. Once you identify a period of life in which people get to stay out late but don't have to pay taxes - naturally, no one wants to live any other way.

  Judith Martin

  Inspirational, Children, Growing Up

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• Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Good Luck

  Groucho Marx (2008). “Memoirs Of A Mangy Lover”, p.88, Da Capo Press

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• Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Glasses

  Groucho Marx (2008). “Memoirs Of A Mangy Lover”, p.94, Da Capo Press

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• Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Air

  Groucho Marx (2008). “Memoirs Of A Mangy Lover”, p.98, Da Capo Press

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• With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Clothes

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• My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Thinking

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• We spent as much money as we could and got as little for it as people could make up their minds to give us. We were always more or less miserable, and most of our acquaintance were in the same condition. There was a gay fiction among us that we were constantly enjoying ourselves, and a skeleton truth that we never did. To the best of my belief, our case was in the last aspect a rather common one.

  Charles Dickens

  Funny, Money, Gay

  Charles Dickens (2012). “Great Expectations Thrift Study Edition”, p.215, Courier Corporation

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• Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Girl, Witty

  Groucho Marx, Richard J. Anobile (1973). “The Marx Bros. Scrapbook”, Crown Publishing Group (NY)

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• All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.

  Ashleigh Brilliant

  Power, Profound, Insane

  Ashleigh Brilliant (1985). “All I Want is a Warm Bed and a Kind Word and Unlimited Power: Even More Brilliant Thoughts”, Brilliant Enterprises

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• What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Dream, Guy

  "God". Play by Woody Allen, 1975.

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• I saw what a mess a lot of people could make of their lives when they're smitten. Some of them go temporarily insane. They find a person who they think holds the key to their happiness-the only key to their happiness... My work has always been my greatest happiness

  Mae West

  Sarcastic, Witty, Thinking

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• While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, The fate of empires and the fall of kings; While quacks of State must each produce his plan, And even children lisp the Rights of Man; Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, The Rights of Woman merit some attention.

  Robert Burns

  Kings, Children, Fall

  Robert Burns, Robert Chambers (1838). “The Poetical Works of Robert Burns. To which are Now Added, Notes Illustrating Historical, Personal, and Local Allusions. [The Editor's Preface Signed: R. C., I.e. Robert Chambers.]”, p.85

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• Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Inspiration

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• This isn't a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Thinking

  Groucho Marx (2017). “Groucho and Me”, p.238, Pickle Partners Publishing

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• Swearing relieves the feelings - that is what swearing does. I explained this to my aunt on one occasion, but it didn't answer with her. She said I had no business to have such feelings.

  Jerome K. Jerome

  Funny, Aunt, Feelings

  Jerome K. Jerome (2016). “The Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow”, p.67, Jerome K. Jerome

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• Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

  George Carlin

  Inspirational, Self Esteem, Stupid People

  George Carlin (2001). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• You know how it is with some girls. They seem to take the stuffing right out of you. I mean to say, there is something about their personality that paralyses the vocal cords and reduces the contents of the brain to cauliflower.

  P. G. Wodehouse

  Girl, Mean, Personality

  P. G. Wodehouse (2015). “Right Ho, Jeeves”, p.10, Booklassic

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• I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.

  Ashleigh Brilliant

  Funny, Hilarious, Liberty

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• I don't understand German myself. I learned it at school, but forgot every word of it two years after I had left, and have felt much better ever since.

  Jerome K. Jerome

  Funny, School, Years

  Jerome K. Jerome (2006). “Jerome K. Jerome: 14 Books in 1”, p.26, Shoes & Ships & Sealing Wax

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• You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Brother

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• While we are postponing, life speeds by.

  Seneca the Younger

  Inspirational, Life, Wisdom

  31 Copy quote