Humorous Quotes - Page 27

• You can always reason with a German. You can always reason with a barnyard animal, too, for all the good it does.

  P. J. O'Rourke

  Sarcastic, Animal, Doe

  P.J. O'Rourke (2012). “Holidays in Hell”, p.165, Atlantic Books Ltd

  12 Copy quote

  Show source

• Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.

  P. G. Wodehouse

  Sarcastic, Looks, Chrysanthemums

  93 Copy quote

• Always obey your parents - when they are present.

  Mark Twain

  Children, Parenting, Parent

  Mark Twain, Gregg Camfield, Sally Wern Comport (2005). “Mark Twain”, p.31, Sterling Publishing Company, Inc.

  5 Copy quote

  Show source

• Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym.

  Woody Allen

  Witty, Annie Hall, Teach

  Woody Allen, Marshall Brickman (2000). “Annie Hall: scénario bilingue”

  12 Copy quote

  Show source

• The persons hardest to convince that they're at the retirement age are children at bedtime.

  Shannon Fife

  Retirement, Children, Parenting

  4 Copy quote

• Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Music, Glasses

  18 Copy quote

• Facts are the enemy of truth.

  Miguel de Cervantes

  Witty, Inspiration, Enemy

  14 Copy quote

• I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Mother

  536 Copy quote

• Anyhow, all mankind's ideas and interests, all human aims and motives, are exhibited, fully formed, in a three-year-old child. The kid is just operating on a smaller scale and lacks the advantage of having made enormous soft-money campaign contributions to political candidates.

  P. J. O'Rourke

  Children, Kids, Parenting

  P. J. O'Rourke (2015). “Thrown Under the Omnibus: A Reader”, p.722, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

  5 Copy quote

  Show source

• Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else unless it is an enemy.

  Albert Einstein

  Men, Enemy, Criminals

  Albert Einstein (2010). “Ideas And Opinions”, p.28, Broadway Books

  9 Copy quote

  Show source

• Nothing is more characteristically juvenile than contempt for juvenility. . . youth's characteristic chronological snobbery.

  C. S. Lewis

  Children, Parenting, Youth

  C. S. Lewis (1992). “An Experiment in Criticism”, p.73, Cambridge University Press

  4 Copy quote

  Show source

• There are no grades of vanity; there are only grades of ability in concealing it.

  Mark Twain

  Vanity, Grades, Ability

  Mark Twain, Caroline Thomas Harnsberger (2009). “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations”, p.494, Courier Corporation

  17 Copy quote

  Show source

• Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know.

  Eoin Colfer

  Confidence, Cocky, Ignorance

  Eoin Colfer (2001). “Artemis Fowl”

  13 Copy quote

  Show source

• Any one who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

  John von Neumann

  Witty, Powerful, Science

  "Various techniques used in connection with random digits" by John von Neumann in "Monte Carlo Method" edited by A.S. Householder, G.E. Forsythe and H.H. Germond, 1951.

  13 Copy quote

  Show source

• I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

  George Carlin

  Stupid, Fall, People

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  10 Copy quote

  Show source

• Political correctness is tyranny with manners.

  Charlton Heston

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  "Appreciation: Charlton Heston" by Richard Corliss, content.time.com. April 6, 2008.

  84 Copy quote

  Show source

• Shawn's (Shawn Weatherly - former beauty queen) acting ability is such that she could not convey the concept of falling if your pushed her off a cliff.

  Dave Barry

  Queens, Fall, Acting

  6 Copy quote

• Ann Taylor - great name, great real estate, shitty business. Gap -great name, great real estate, declining business. J.Crew - Hellooo? Great name, better fashion image than the Gap.

  Millard Drexler

  Fashion, Real, Names

  4 Copy quote

• I mean, the question actors most often get asked is how they can bear saying the same things over and over again, night after night, but God knows the answer to that is, don't we all anyway; might as well get paid for it.

  Elaine Dundy

  Funny, Mean, Night

  Elaine Dundy (2010). “The Dud Avocado”, p.130, New York Review of Books

  7 Copy quote

  Show source

• I don't know what effect these men will have upon the enemy, but by God, they frighten me.

  Duke of Wellington

  Military, War, Army

  68 Copy quote

• Many a man wishes he were strong enough to tear a telephone book in half - especially if he has a teenage daughter.

  Guy Lombardo

  Daughter, Fathers Day, Strong

  48 Copy quote

• An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault.

  William Castle

  Funny, Fashion, Laughter

  56 Copy quote

• Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.

  Jim Backus

  Marriage, Drinking, Successful

  "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

  16 Copy quote

  Show source

• An absence of antecedents and of relatives is sometimes an aid rather than an impediment to social advancement . . .

  Arthur Conan Doyle

  Sarcasm, Advancement, Sometimes

  Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (2013). “Delphi Complete Works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (Illustrated)”, p.6180, Delphi Classics

  4 Copy quote

  Show source

• You can't put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories.

  Melanie Clark Pullen

  Love, Funny, Relationship

  37 Copy quote