Witty Quotes - Page 4

• Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

  Robert Orben

  Funny, Birthday, Fitness

  34 Copy quote

• Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

  Guy Davenport

  Powerful, Humorous, Reading

  9 Copy quote

• In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Firsts, Speak

  George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

  37 Copy quote

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• Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Being Yourself, Truth

  Intentions "The Critic as Artist" pt. 2 (1891)

  84 Copy quote

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• Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

  Ashleigh Brilliant

  Life, Sarcastic, Wisdom

  38 Copy quote

• Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.

  George Bernard Shaw

  Funny, Anniversary, Marriage

  61 Copy quote

• The best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.

  Harry S. Truman

  Funny, Leadership, Dad

  Television interview by Edward R. Murrow, CBS, 27 May 1955

  51 Copy quote

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• Love involves a peculiar unfathomable combination of understanding and misunderstanding.

  Diane Arbus

  Love, Understanding, Peculiar

  22 Copy quote

• No woman can be handsome by the force of features alone, any more that she can be witty by only the help of speech.

  Kin Hubbard

  Beauty, Women, Literature

  11 Copy quote

• A recession is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you lose yours.

  Ronald Reagan

  Funny, Depression, Jobs

  "Ronald Reagan: A Man True to His Word".

  97 Copy quote

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• Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.

  H. L. Mencken

  Funny, Laughter, Humorous

  26 Copy quote

• It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Hilarious, Humorous

  Dave Barry (2013). “My Teenage Son's Goal in Life Is to Make Me Feel 3,500 Years Old: and Other Thoughts on Parenting from Dave Barry”, p.100, Andrews McMeel Publishing

  90 Copy quote

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• The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

  Gloria Leonard

  Sex, Humorous, Differences

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  50 Copy quote

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• In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Sarcastic, Humorous

  52 Copy quote

• We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.

  George Bernard Shaw

  Funny, Learning, Humor

  169 Copy quote

• Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

  W. C. Fields

  Love, Inspirational, Life

  71 Copy quote

• It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

  George Bernard Shaw

  Wise, Stupid, Humorous

  Man and Superman (1903) "Maxims for Revolutionists: Stray Sayings"

  12 Copy quote

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• Love thy neighbor - and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier.

  Mae West

  Love, Funny, Anniversary

  Mae West (1967). “The wit and wisdom of Mae West”

  93 Copy quote

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• Vote early and vote often.

  Al Capone

  Powerful, Humorous, Voting

  74 Copy quote

• There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

  George Bernard Shaw

  Thanksgiving, Humorous, Drinking

  16 Copy quote

• Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Friendship, Education

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  119 Copy quote

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• I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

  David Gerrold

  Funny, Sarcastic, Humorous

  14 Copy quote

• One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards.

  Oscar Wilde

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  Oscar Wilde (2004). “The Best of Oscar Wilde: Selected Plays and Writings”, p.187, Penguin

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• O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.

  Saint Augustine

  Funny, Humorous, Religion

  "In Summer’s Heat, Washington Seeks Refuge in the Loophole" by Michael Winship, www.huffingtonpost.com. June 29, 2010.

  20 Copy quote

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• 

  A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

  Steve Martin

  Funny, Laughter, Hipster

  FaceBook post by Steve Martin from Jun 14, 2011

  103 Copy quote

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