Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!
The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.
There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
He must be very ignorant for he answers every question he is asked.
Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
The lead singer of Creed says he won’t endorse President Obama. Well that settles it -- Obama will not win the 1998 presidential election.
There are no nudists in cold areas.
Gods are fragile things, they may be killed by a whiff of science or a dose of common sense.
Reality is an illusion created by a lack of alcohol.
When I drink, I think; and when I think, I drink.
Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!"
Liberals are very broadminded: they are always willing to give careful consideration to both sides of the same side
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Now every girl is expected to have: Caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, the arms of Michelle Obama, and doll tits. The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.
We drink [to] one another's health and spoil our own.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today?
Avoid using cigarettes, alcohol, and drugs as alternatives to being an interesting person.
Alcohol is like love. The first kiss is magic, the second is intimate, the third is routine. After that you take the girl's clothes off.
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