When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.
If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for.
Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.
I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.
There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.
I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck
All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.
Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night
I'd take a Bromo, but I can't stand the noise.
I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him!
I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.
Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
I never met a kid I liked.
Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.
I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.
What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe.
Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.
How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil'ss Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon - and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.
Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. Every day we present the best quotes! Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends
or simply: