W. C. Fields Quotes - Page 8

Quotes about:

• I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.

  W. C. Fields

  Drink

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• I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.

  W. C. Fields

  Thinking, Long, Church

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• I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

  W. C. Fields

  Drinking, Food, Night

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• To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe.

  W. C. Fields

  Believe, Biblical, Whales

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• Happiness means quiet nerves.

  W. C. Fields

  Mean, Nerves, Quiet

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• There are better things than sex, but nothing quite like it.

  W. C. Fields

  Sex

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• It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.

  W. C. Fields

  Men, Justice, Twelve

  W. C. Fields (1968). “Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life”

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• There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

  W. C. Fields

  Ambition, Men, America

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• The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.

  W. C. Fields

  Movie, Play, People

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• The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .

  W. C. Fields

  Laughter, Laughing, Comedian

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• Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.

  W. C. Fields

  Drinking, Exercise, Hours

  "The Temperance Lecture".

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• I like children - fried.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Witty, Children

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• A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

  W. C. Fields

  Men, Suffering, Lines

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• I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.

  W. C. Fields

  Knives, Income, Balls

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• I'm looking for loopholes.

  W. C. Fields

  Loopholes

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• I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.

  W. C. Fields

  Real, Opportunity, People

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• What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Beautiful, Humorous

  W.C. Fields (2016). “Fields for President”, p.63, Rowman & Littlefield

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• So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.

  W. C. Fields

  Simple, Long, Swallowing

  W. C. Fields (2016). “W.C. Fields by Himself: His Intended Autobiography with Hitherto Unpublished Letters, Notes, Scripts, and Articles”, p.152, Rowman & Littlefield

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• Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

  W. C. Fields

  May, Milk, Cry

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• I must have a drink of breakfast.

  W. C. Fields

  Breakfast, Comedy, Drink

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• I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Humor, Water

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• Fields' reply: He'd think I was a sissy.

  W. C. Fields

  Drinking, Thinking, Fields

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• Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.

  W. C. Fields

  Drinking, House, Alcohol

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• The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!

  W. C. Fields

  Brother, Giants, World

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• Never work with animals or children.

  W. C. Fields

  Children, Animal

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