W. C. Fields Quotes - Page 3

Quotes about:

• The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

  W. C. Fields

  Clever, Cat, Cheesy

  W. C. Fields (2016). “W.C. Fields by Himself: His Intended Autobiography with Hitherto Unpublished Letters, Notes, Scripts, and Articles”, p.179, Rowman & Littlefield

  28 Copy quote

• I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.

  W. C. Fields

  Quoted in R. L. Taylor, W. C. Fields (1949)

  5 Copy quote

• Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.

  W. C. Fields

  Scotch, Water, Needs

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• I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).

  W. C. Fields

  Reading, Comedy, Caught

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• Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Marriage, Women

  "Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life".

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• If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.

  W. C. Fields

  Pigs, Wings, Would Be

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• A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

  W. C. Fields

  Cheating

  29 Copy quote

• This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Jobs, Grateful

  8 Copy quote

• I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Witty, Strong

  95 Copy quote

• The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.

  W. C. Fields

  Giving, Income, Tails

  5 Copy quote

• When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

  W. C. Fields

  Hope, Lost Everything, Comedy

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• I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.

  W. C. Fields

  Girl, Two

  Quoted in Drat!, ed. Richard J. Anobile (1969)

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• I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Marriage, Fire

  54 Copy quote

• Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Humorous, Sleep

  "Fictional character: The Great Man". "Never Give a Sucker an Even Break", www.imdb.com. October 10, 1941.

  49 Copy quote

• The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

  W. C. Fields

  Men, Lucky, Alive

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• Yes I do like children ... Girl children...about eighteen or twenty.

  W. C. Fields

  Girl, Children, Twenties

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• Where there is a will, there's prosperity around the corner.

  W. C. Fields

  Money, Prosperity, Corners

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• I never drink water... fish f**k in it.

  W. C. Fields

  Drinking, Water, Fishes

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• Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

  W. C. Fields

  Drinking, Alcohol, Done

  "The Temperance Lecture" (radio broadcast) (1938)

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• I drink with impunity...or anyone else who invites me.

  W. C. Fields

  Humorous, Beer, Drink

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• I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.

  W. C. Fields

  President, My Best Friend, Thieves

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• My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

  W. C. Fields

  Ambition, Orange Trees, Glasses

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• Try till you succeed...if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!

  W. C. Fields

  Trying, Succeed, Facts

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• Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

  W. C. Fields

  Nature, Night, Yards

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• I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

  W. C. Fields

  Drinking, Doctors, Blood

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