Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.
If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
You can't cheat an honest man.
A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine
It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason
The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.
When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.
I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men.
You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
I like children. If they're properly cooked.
I never drink water... fish f**k in it.
I drink therefore I am.
The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.
If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.
Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it.
I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.
Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. Every day we present the best quotes! Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends
or simply: