Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands
I get upset over a bad shot just like anyone else. But it's silly to let the game get to you. When I miss a shot I just think what a beautiful day it is. And what pure fresh air I'm breathing. Then I take a deep breath. I have to do that. That's what gives me the strength to break the club.
It's a wonderful world. It may destroy itself but you'll be able to watch it all on TV.
Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's known at my house, Passover.
Don't tempt me, I can resist anything but temptation.
Everyone's nervous these days. Ronald McDonald has hired six bodyguards, and that's just to protect his buns.
My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty one.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.
One of the greatest gifts to mankind is laughter, and one of the greatest gifts to laughter is Lucille Ball. God has her now but thanks to television, we'll have her forever.
A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?
Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.
The stealth bomber is supposed to be a big deal. It flies in undetected, bombs, then flies away. Hell, I've been doing that all my life.
I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
As the colonel and I sat swapping stories in the plane, a jet aircraft buzzed past our window. I asked the colonel what type of aircraft it was, and he said, "Don't worry about it, Bob. . . if you can see it, it's obsolete."
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
I don't know what people have against Jimmy Carter. He's done nothing.
Eighty is when you order a steak and the headwaiter puts it through the blender. Or when you wake up as many times during the night as Burt Reynolds, but not for the same reason.
I've always felt England was a great place for a comic to work. It's an island and the audience can't run very far.
Jimmy Stewart could have been a good golfer, but he speaks so slowly that by the time he yells 'Fore!' the guy he's hit is already in an ambulance on the way to the hospital.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Happiness is watching the TV at your girlfriend's house during a power failure.
I do try to work out a little. I go swimming twice a day. It beats buying golf balls.
The audience was swell. They were so polite they covered their mouths when they yawned.
Somebody should tell Jerry Falwell that God is an Independent . . . he's not rich enough to be a Republican.
Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. Every day we present the best quotes! Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends
or simply: