I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
I think a man ought to get drunk at least twice a year just on principle, so he won't let himself get snotty about it.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper and the old men and old women warmer in the winter and happier in the summer.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.
Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication.
He that drinks fast, pays slow.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
There can't be good living where there is not good drinking.
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and likes to see us happy.
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
You can only drink 30 or 40 glasses of beer a day, no matter how rich you are.
Now son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for Daddies, and kids with fake IDs.
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
Good people drink good beer.
One martini is all right. Two are too many, and three are not enough.
When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
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