When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?
Concerning the difference between man and the jackass: some observers hold that there isn't any. But this wrongs the jackass.
Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.
When you do not know what you are doing and what you are doing is the best - that is inspiration.
I sometimes think, would I drink the milk from the breast of a woman I don't know? No. So I think, why would I drink it from a cow?
The basis of optimism is sheer terror.
You never came out the way you came in.
If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
If you don't know how to die, don't worry; Nature will tell you what to do on the spot, fully and adequately. She will do this job perfectly for you; don't bother your head about it.
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
More die in the United States of too much food than of too little.
A fool flatters himself, a wise man flatters the fool.
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.
The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.
Don't mind your make-up, you'd better make your mind up.
I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up.
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.
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