Rodney Dangerfield Quotes - Page 3

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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

Rodney Dangerfield

Morning, Laughing, Guy

28 Copy quote
I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Humor, Calendars

24 Copy quote
...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

Rodney Dangerfield

Wife, Naked, Bars

18 Copy quote
To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

Rodney Dangerfield

Sex, Two, Waiting

25 Copy quote
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Good Morning, Humor

28 Copy quote
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Relationship, Marriage

33 Copy quote
I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

Rodney Dangerfield

Thinking, Doctors, Wife

Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.178, Zondervan

17 Copy quote
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Humor, Night

25 Copy quote
I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.

Rodney Dangerfield

Drug, Say No To Drugs, Ask Me

52 Copy quote
My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny Love, Love You, Dark

"Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

35 Copy quote
I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.

Rodney Dangerfield

Wife, Teeth, Dinner

"It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect But Plenty of Sex and Drugs". Book by Rodney Dangerfield, p. 18, 2004.

25 Copy quote
I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Home, Humor

17 Copy quote
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Dad, Father

49 Copy quote
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

Rodney Dangerfield

Children, Kids, Childhood

Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.25, Zondervan

24 Copy quote
I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

Rodney Dangerfield

Sex, Bisexual, Years

Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.69, Zondervan

19 Copy quote
When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

Rodney Dangerfield

Respect, Kids, Looks

22 Copy quote
I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

Rodney Dangerfield

Zoos, Children, Kids

Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.22, Zondervan

13 Copy quote
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Reading, Humor

94 Copy quote
Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.

Rodney Dangerfield

Wife, Bed, Opinion

24 Copy quote
Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Sex, Humor

9 Copy quote
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Witty, Real

64 Copy quote
I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

Rodney Dangerfield

Girl, Waiting, Way

4 Copy quote
Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

Rodney Dangerfield

Sex, Pairs, My Favorite

10 Copy quote
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Dog, Humor

10 Copy quote
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

Rodney Dangerfield

Sex, Wife, Car

25 Copy quote

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Born: November 22, 1921
Died: October 5, 2004
Occupation: Comedian
Cite this Page: Citation

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