I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.
I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.
I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.
Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.
Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.
I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.
I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".
Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.
I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.
Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. Every day we present the best quotes! Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends
or simply: