I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.
Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.
Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.
I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.
If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.
My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark
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