Rodney Dangerfield Quotes - Page 8

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Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

Rodney Dangerfield

Love, Marriage, Thinking

16 Copy quote
My wife gives good headache.

Rodney Dangerfield

Marriage, Giving, Wife

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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

Rodney Dangerfield

Marriage, Sex, Humorous

Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.81, Zondervan

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My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

Rodney Dangerfield

Home, Mean, Kids

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I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Humor, Freak

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I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Humor, Wife

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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Humor, Kids

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My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.

Rodney Dangerfield

Son, Golf, Ankles

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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

Rodney Dangerfield

Dog, Pet, Arms

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He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

Rodney Dangerfield

Cover Ups, Arms, Way

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My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

Rodney Dangerfield

Dog, Wife, Worst

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I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again.

Rodney Dangerfield

Kids, Play, People

"Rodney Dangerfield: What I've Learned" by Cal Fussman, www.esquire.com. January 29, 2007.

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I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Real, Moving

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My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.

Rodney Dangerfield

Men, Checks, Allowance

Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.21, Zondervan

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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Humor, Eye

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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Hurt, Real

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My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Cousin, School

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My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

Rodney Dangerfield

Stars, Night, Wife

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My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

Rodney Dangerfield

Problem, Appeals, Can Do

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I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.

Rodney Dangerfield

Beach, Children, Parent

"Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

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We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.

Rodney Dangerfield

Kids, Dollars, Want

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I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Humor, Wife

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I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Sexy, Humor

Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.94, Zondervan

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I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

Rodney Dangerfield

Beautiful, Girl, Mets

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I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

Rodney Dangerfield

Wife, Bed, Yeah

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Born: November 22, 1921
Died: October 5, 2004
Occupation: Comedian
Cite this Page: Citation

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