I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.
My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!
He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.
I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.
All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.
I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.
It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.
I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.
Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.
A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.
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