Rodney Dangerfield Quotes - Page 10

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I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.

Rodney Dangerfield

Girl, Night, Phones

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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Cheating, Humor

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When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

Rodney Dangerfield

Respect, Kids, Men

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One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Home, Men

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Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Daughter, Stupid

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I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.

Rodney Dangerfield

Girl, Home, Honey

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One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

Rodney Dangerfield

Boys, Years, Birth Control

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My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Mother, Rocks

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At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Humorous, Wind

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Hey, did somebody step on a duck?

Rodney Dangerfield

Ducks, Hey, Steps

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My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Daughter, Humor

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At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.

Rodney Dangerfield

Grandpa, Waiting, Christmas Time

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Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Dad, Humor

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Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Running, Dad

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My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Water, Wife

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If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.

Rodney Dangerfield

History, Dinner, Restaurants

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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

Rodney Dangerfield

Wife, Lasts, Saws

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For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Humor, Two

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Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

Rodney Dangerfield

Drinking, Zombie, Bartending

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My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!

Rodney Dangerfield

Sex, Life Is Like, Rope

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my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens

Rodney Dangerfield

Cooking, Screens

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If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

Rodney Dangerfield

Beauty, Beautiful, Eye

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When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

Rodney Dangerfield

Beach, Cases, Prove

Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.109, Zondervan

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When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

Rodney Dangerfield

Dog, Jealous, Years

Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.18, Zondervan

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If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

Rodney Dangerfield

Sex, Pain, Ass

"Rodney Dangerfield: What I've Learned" by Cal Fussman, www.esquire.com. January 29, 2007.

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Born: November 22, 1921
Died: October 5, 2004
Occupation: Comedian
Cite this Page: Citation

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