Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.
What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.
I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.
The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!
I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.
Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.
I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.
I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide.
Man, who don't like spaghetti?
I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.
A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.
When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
I don't get no respect, no respect at all!
I was a poster child... for birth control!
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