I can't get no respect.
[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.
My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.
I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!
My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!
I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it. Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.
When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!
It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.
You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.
If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.
My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.
When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.
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