I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.
I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"
Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.
I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.
I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.
Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.
I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.
When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.
School is a place were you go to eat your lunch
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".
I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.
I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.
You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.
My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
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