Rodney Dangerfield Quotes - Page 11

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• A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Heaven, Three, Tails

  "Rodney Dangerfield: What I've Learned" by Cal Fussman, www.esquire.com. January 29, 2007.

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• I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Wife, Machines, Alive

  Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.155, Zondervan

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• I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Girl, Humor

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• You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Life, Names, Salary

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• All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Sex, Fighting, Night

  Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.28, Zondervan

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• I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Mother, Two, Wife

  Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.55, Zondervan

  7 Copy quote

• A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Humor, Men

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• Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Humor, Boys

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• One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Moving, Home

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• Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Home, Wife, Pot

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• I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Girl, Sex

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• I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Dad, Kids, Ugly

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• I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Couple, Humor

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• I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Girl, Humorous

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• My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Cute, Boyfriend

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• With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Girl, Thinking, Mirrors

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• What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Men, Childhood, Firsts

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• I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Attitude, Teenager, World

  "Rodney Dangerfield: What I've Learned" by Cal Fussman, www.esquire.com. January 29, 2007.

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• His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Humor, Blow

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• I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Wife, Singing, Nineteen

  "Rodney Dangerfield: What I've Learned" by Cal Fussman, www.esquire.com. January 29, 2007.

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• Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Halloween, Rip

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• When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Mother, Jobs, New York

  "Rodney Dangerfield: What I've Learned" by Cal Fussman, www.esquire.com. January 29, 2007.

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• I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?

  Rodney Dangerfield

  I've Learned, Can Do, Angry

  "Rodney Dangerfield: What I've Learned" by Cal Fussman, www.esquire.com. January 29, 2007.

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• My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Zoos, Humor

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• Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Kids, Dancer, Littles

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