I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.
His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.
What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.
I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?
My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit
I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.
If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
I have three kids, one of each.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.
I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?
When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.
I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
Life's a short trip. You'll find out.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. Every day we present the best quotes! Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends
or simply: