There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.
Comedy is a camouflage for depression.
I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.
And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!
I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.
She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
Hey, did somebody step on a duck?
My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother
I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!
She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.
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