Rodney Dangerfield Quotes - Page 2

Quotes about:

• Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Two, Numbers, Trying

  30 Copy quote

• We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Dog, Play, Wife

  22 Copy quote

• Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Humor, Kids

  34 Copy quote

• My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Teacher, Son, Rivers

  37 Copy quote

• My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Humor, Wife

  39 Copy quote

• I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Dog, Play, Parent

  17 Copy quote

• When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Hilarious, Witty

  31 Copy quote

• I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Marriage, Hilarious

  130 Copy quote

• I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Uncles, Stupid, House

  44 Copy quote

• My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Humor, Wife

  20 Copy quote

• It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Respect, Dark, Army

  15 Copy quote

• I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Marriage, Hilarious

  69 Copy quote

• With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Respect, Men, Stranger

  43 Copy quote

• My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Dental Floss, Wife, Kitchen

  45 Copy quote

• I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Truth, Makeup, Men

  "Rodney Dangerfield: What I've Learned" by Cal Fussman, www.esquire.com. January 29, 2007.

  47 Copy quote

• I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Wife, Dating, Making Love

  25 Copy quote

• Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Girl, Two, Blind

  33 Copy quote

• I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

  37 Copy quote

• I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Humor, Window

  16 Copy quote

• Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Zoos, Kids, Men

  21 Copy quote

• Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  About Yourself

  27 Copy quote

• My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Humor, Wife

  14 Copy quote

• The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Fiction, Body, Shapes

  23 Copy quote

• Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Fire, Wife, Making Love

  15 Copy quote

• ...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Wife, Naked, Bars

  18 Copy quote

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