Wine is constant proof that God loves us and likes to see us happy.
I feel sorry for people who do not have a Bible to lean on.
Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.
Drinking is an emotional thing. It joggles you out of the standardism of everyday life, out of everything being the same.
What's drinking? A mere pause from thinking!
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed by the facts.
I drink to make other people interesting.
I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my scotch, I say, I'm thirsty, not dirty.
Even though a number of people have tried, no one has yet found a way to drink for a living.
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer.
Reality is an illusion created by a lack of alcohol.
One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer.
Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication.
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.
Alcohol is like love. The first kiss is magic, the second is intimate, the third is routine. After that you take the girl's clothes off.
First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.
I think a man ought to get drunk at least twice a year just on principle, so he won't let himself get snotty about it.
Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
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