Funny Inspirational Quotes - Page 17

• [Hope is] the dream of a waking man.

  Aristotle

  Dream, Hope, Funny Motivational

  "The Lives and Opinions of Eminent Philosophers". Book by Diogenes Laertius, p. 187, 1853.

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• The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Witty, Block

  66 Copy quote

• Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they come to visit now. They can hold the baby and I can go out.

  Matthew Broderick

  Funny, Baby, Parenting

  47 Copy quote

• Everyone told me to pass on Speed because it was a 'bus movie.'

  Sandra Bullock

  Funny, Movie, Gambling

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• At my age flowers scare me.

  George Burns

  Funny, Birthday, Flower

  George Burns (1991). “The Most of George Burns”, Bbs Publishing Corporation

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• Electricity is really just organized lightning.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Sarcasm

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.

  Gilbert K. Chesterton

  Funny, Food, Sarcasm

  "Alarms And Discursions". Book by Gilbert K. Chesterton, 1910.

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• When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Pregnancy, Moving

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• I will not retire while I've still got my legs and my make-up box.

  Bette Davis

  Sexy, Retirement, Legs

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• I'm on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I'm gonna rip it off.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Funny, Rip, Humor

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  Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Hilarious, Witty

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.77, Penguin

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• Here cometh April again, and as far as I can see the world hath more fools in it than ever.

  Charles Lamb

  Spring, Fools Day, World

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• Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

  Fran Lebowitz

  Funny, Life, Witty

  FaceBook post by Fran Lebowitz from Apr 13, 2010

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• Punctuality is one of the cardinal business virtues: always insist on it in your subordinates.

  Don Marquis

  Business, Work, Entrepreneur

  29 Copy quote

• I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Inspiration, Humor

  Quoted in Look Magazine, 28 Mar. 1950

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• Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Life, Sarcastic

  "Mark Twain: Collected Tales, Sketches, Speeches, and Essays Vol. 1 1852-1890".

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  I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

  Ron White

  Inspirational, Funny, Encouraging

  "Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again". Comedy, Documentary, www.imdb.com. 2004.

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• Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Country, Witty

  99 Copy quote

• People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily.

  Zig Ziglar

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  FaceBook post by Zig Ziglar from Sep 22, 2016

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• The average age (longevity) of a meat eater is 63. I am on the verge of 85 and still work as hard as ever. I have lived quite long enough and am trying to die; but I simply cannot do it. A single beef-steak would finish me; but I cannot bring myself to swallow it. I am oppressed with a dread of living forever. That is the only disadvantage of vegetarianism.

  George Bernard Shaw

  Vegetarianism, Average, Long

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• Poor empty pants With nobody inside them.

  Dr. Seuss

  Pants, Empty, Poor

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• God never slams a door in your face without opening a box of Girl Scout cookies.

  Elizabeth Gilbert

  Inspirational, Funny, Girl

  Elizabeth Gilbert (2010). “The Complete Elizabeth Gilbert: Eat, Pray, Love; Committed; The Last American Man; Stern Men & Pilgrims”, p.23, A&C Black

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• Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did - that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that - a parent's heart bared, beating forever outside its chest.

  Debra Ginsberg

  Mom, Children, Pain

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• The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I have passed at home in the bosom of my family.

  Thomas Jefferson

  Family, Happiness, Success

  Thomas Jefferson (1900). “The Life and Writings of ...”

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• When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

  Erma Bombeck

  Funny, Family, Mom

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