Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.
First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.
Even though a number of people have tried, no one has yet found a way to drink for a living.
If you drink don't drive. Don't even putt.
One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.
Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony.
I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer.
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
Too much of anything is bad, but too much Champagne is just right.
That's the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink. If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen.
My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
I don't know what reception I'm at, but for God's sake give me a gin and tonic.
A perfect martini should be made by filling a glass with gin then waving it in the general direction of Italy.
Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.
Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.
Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness.
Drinking beer doesn't make you fat, it makes you lean...Against bars, tables, chairs, and poles.
Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.
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