Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

Quotes about:

• Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Clever, Smart

  73 Copy quote

• I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Morning, Sex

  73 Copy quote

• I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Hate, Humorous

  "Laugh Off: The Comedy Showdown Between Real Life and the Pros". Book by Bob Fenster, 2005.

  99 Copy quote

• I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny Relationship, Wine, Men

  72 Copy quote

• When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Pregnancy, Moving

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  96 Copy quote

• You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Mouths, Ugly, Sticks

  "Rodney Dangerfield: What I've Learned" by Cal Fussman, www.esquire.com. January 29, 2007.

  86 Copy quote

• I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Science, Parent

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  40 Copy quote

• My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Beauty, Crazy

  1467 Copy quote

• I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you
  rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good
  at fractions.'

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Wife, Lovers, Scales

  30 Copy quote

• I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Kids, Someday, Said

  27 Copy quote
• 

  A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Men, Guy, Wish

  Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.22, Zondervan

  73 Copy quote

• When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Beauty, Mother, Doctors

  22 Copy quote

• I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Morning, Humor

  15 Copy quote

• I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Airports, Lucky, Ships

  24 Copy quote

• My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Drinking, Doctors, Mirrors

  Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.88, Zondervan

  67 Copy quote

• With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Respect, Doctors, Needs

  37 Copy quote

• I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Humor, Men

  18 Copy quote

• A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Girl, Home

  66 Copy quote

• My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Dental Floss, Wife, Kitchen

  45 Copy quote

• My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Love, Funny, Life

  "Rodney Dangerfield" by Ronald Bergan, www.theguardian.com. October 6, 2004.

  49 Copy quote

• It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Respect, Dark, Army

  15 Copy quote

• Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Suicide, Humor

  23 Copy quote

• I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Party, Drinking, Beer

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  17 Copy quote

• My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Teacher, Son, Rivers

  37 Copy quote

• I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Humor, Window

  16 Copy quote

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